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This weekend Gabe and I went home to my parents house for a fun visit. We got to spend some time with my new sister Kassy. Here are some pictures of us carving pumpkins.

FREE

I am free!! This week has been a very difficult week but at the same time God's hand has moved with mighty power in which he deserves all praise. This summer I wrote a post about fighting with my outer self and dieing to my outer self so that I can live according to the spirit. Read here . In the last two months since praying that God would completely break me and reveal to me how I am depending on my outer self he has successfully done that :).

The things that I still depended on myself for and had as idols were relationships with others and how I perceived those relationships, and finding my worth in how people were growing in their relationship with God. For me who spent so much time pouring into relationships this seems daunting because we interact with people daily. Through this time of God's hand revealing to me relationships he opened my eyes to specific relationships in which I was finding my worth. If they couldn't hang out or didn't call me back my emotions and how I was feeling about myself would be directly affected. I also had a very difficult time relaxing while hanging out with people because I would be so concerned with how they were spiritually that I was anxious. Through some very intentional events of being rejected by a few people, encountering a very demeaning person at work, and God's hand he opened my eyes and freed my heart.

This Wednesday I took a day off of work to re-group about why I was there and to rest. During that day I had an opportunity to surrender to Father that my worth was not found in relationships and that he views me with love and his view of me is not altered by how other people perceive me. On Wednesday I could feel the holy spirit on me so I just began singing, praying, and worshiping. As I surrendered each relationship specifically and emotions I felt God said you are completely FREE!!! At first I was not convinced and I wondered if I truly heard God but I have had some specific times where relating with people that it was previously difficult with was covered with God's grace. I was free to relate with them, and love being present with them. I still am completely blown away by How God can change us immediately when our heart is lowly and completely fulfilled by him and nothing else.

Surrender

Happy Friday, it seems like I am blogging alot on Fridays. So Since finishing my last book "Brokenness" I have picked up a new book called "How to Worship Jesus Christ" by Joseph Carroll. These two books have both spoken on how no one can truly be used fully by God unless they give everything of themselves and their life up. In this season of my life right now I am beginning to learn what it means to fully break and give everything to God.

Have you surrendered everything to God? Do you remember when you surrendered everything to God?

Have you given up your right to yourself, intellect, emotions, and your will?

I feel like I am beginning to understand what it looks like to deny myself and give up everything. I am currently working through giving up any right to myself. For me this means the right to think I know best, that my thoughts/perceptions are always right, and that I am not the godly standard. God is revealing to me the idols of self and relationships with others that I have carried with me up to this point in my life. Relationships are not meant to be where I find my purpose. Up to this point in my life I was still trying to find love in friendships and my emotions would fluctuate on how I percieved friendships to be. In the book about worship one thing that spoke to him was, if Jesus says, "All this I did for you, What have you done for me?" I think we all must expereince our knees, sacrificing everything for jesus(our dreams, perfect family, living close to parents, job, body, relationship). Why would we settle for less?

I am humbled to learn what it means to ask God for mercy, what it means to depend on him to guide every step and decision you make. I pray that God does not let me get off my knees until I am broken and fully his. That I think nothing of myself and all of him. I am nothing, when I am nothing God can use me fully.

Another thing that I have really felt God bringing to the forefront is how so many women struggle to initiate a friendship because of the fear inside of them. For myself I fear engaging with someone or calling someone because I am fearful of being rejected or hurt. I have really felt an urgency to pray for the women here in our church that the fear that keeps them from having amazing Godly relationshps with other women would not hold them captive. I have been praying freedom for myself from the fear and God has identified some specifics situations in my past where I did not feel loved and has been bringing healing to that area. As I have been praying for the women in our church an image that I saw was of women in lines as slaves working in a field and I felt like God was saying pray, cast off this fear that is holding us as slaves. Satan has no place in our hearts and paralyzing us with fear. I know that healthy relationships with women is a gift from God. In the bible there are two different kinds of friendships. One is philos-to be friendly, wish well, to associate familiarly with. The other is agapetos- which means beloved, esteemed, worthy of love. Agapetos is the meaning that many of the NT writers use when talking to a person they are sending their letter to. I pray that every women has a healthy relationship with another women and hopefully more than one, that they would be beloved friends.

Have a awesome weekend!

A New Sister

Last night I met my new sister!!! For those of you who don't know my parents have been in the process of being a permanant guardian/foster care parent since January. When my parents started the process they knew the child that they would be taking.

My new sister's name is Kassy she is 9 and has been living in Georgia for the last couple of years. On Monday my parents drove down to Georgia and on Tuesday were able to pick her up. Last night at midnight my parents arrived at my house and I got to meet her. They also got to crash on our floor. I didn't get to interact with her to much except give her a hug when I first met her. I don't have a picture because we were all pretty tired when they got there.

As I lay in bed all I could think about is that there is one less child living in a place where she is not loved or cared for. She has a family again. I just prayed that God would be caring for her little heart, that she would never doubt his love for her. Yesterday I was pretty emotional about it and in the next few weeks I will go up and spend some more time getting to know her.

My parents have a long, challenging, and joyful road ahead.

"Our culture is obsessed with being whole and feeling good. That drive affects even the way we view the Christian life. We want a "painless Pentecost"; we want a "laughing" revival. We want gain without pain; we want the resurrection without going through the grave; we want life without experiencing death; we want a crown without going by the way of the cross. But in God's economy, the way up is down(brokenness)." You and I will never meet God in revival until we first meet Him in brokenness. by Nancy Leigh Demoss

"Brokenness" the Book

Happy friday!! This week I am so thankful for Friday. For some reason all week I have thought it was a different day. Last week I decided to pick up a book that I had gotten as a hand-me-down. It is called "Brokenness the Heart God Revives" by Nancy Leigh Demoss. I had expectations that this book would be good and hopefully bring life change. As I am reading this book I have been made aware of all the different things she is talking about like humility, repentance, and forgiveness. I hope in my heart that the final cord of pride is broken soon, broken so that I can be used fully by God, broken so that I can see him and others rightly in his image.

I am going to make no effort to make this post flow I am just going to share random things from this book and how God has been working. One image that Nancy talks about, is that we are all seeds. Seeds have a harder outer shell and when placed in the dark cold ground something amazing happens. The hard outer shell breaks off it dies, then fruit can grow. We must die to ourselves before fruit can grow, before we can be used fully.

At lifegroup this week we started a discussion on "the Church" the all encompasing church of christians, not just your local church. We read Ephesians 2:14-22, this is verse 16, "and in this one body to reconcile both(Jews and Gentiles) of them to God through the cross, by which he put to death their hostility. As we spent time in worship listening to God at the end I felt like God was pointing out how I am acting like the gentiles and the jews creating hostility between themselves because of their differences in actions and tradition. I have a really difficult time relating and loving someone because the first thing I see in people is our differences. I don't see God's heart for them, I don't see hope for thier life, I just see our differences. At this point I then begin to let our differences build a chasm between us that will only be broken if they can prove to me they are listening to the Holy Spirit and I see change in their life. Clearly I don't understand God's love for people which is something that came up when they were praying for me at lifegroup. I have been aware of the difficulty I feel in myself to love others without having an alterior motive to love them. I act like the know what is best. I act like a Jewish leader that is just about following tradition over a geniune loving heart.

Instead of staying imprisoned in the pridefulness and thinking I am better than others, I pray that God breaks me all the way and permanently.

This book lists out a list of things that are identifiers of pride:
- You focus on the failures of others and can readily point out their faults
- You look at everyone's faults with a microscope
- Criticize those in positions of authority-pastor-boss-husband-parents
-You think highly of yourself and look down on others
- You have an independent, self-sufficient spirit
- You have to prove that you are right and get the last word
- You have a demanding spirit
- You are self-protective of your time, rights, and reputation
- You desire to be served and life to revolve around you and your needs
- You desire to be known as a success
- You focus on what you can do for God
-You have a drive to be recognized and appreciated for your efforts.
- You get wounded when others are promoted and you are overlooked.
- You feel confident in how much you know
- You are self-conscious; They worry about what others think of them.
-You are driven to protect your image and reputation
-You can't bear to fail or for anyone to think you are less than perfect
- You compare yourself to others and feel worthy of respect.

This is just half of the list in the book. These are the one's that I generally relate to. As I am writing these out I can begin to feel sorrow well in my heart. I am thankful that I am feeling sorrow I am feeling remorse and desiring God's mercy. Many times I feel no emotion because my pride has removed the life God has for me.

Analyzing-The Process

Last night I decided that I was going to begin blogging about my journey with over analyzing because I know many struggle with it. I want to blog about it and maybe provide insight for others as I go on this journey of understanding it and letting God renew my life. Many days I make God and every situation really complicated. I stress and worry about many feeling or situations that don't exist.

Anyway in the last week I could feel the thoughts taking control. When I say over analyzing I mean picking apart every situation, interaction with a person, the way they looked, the way someone talked, the way I interpreted them feeling towards me. Basically I waste alot of time and unneeded emotions going through each interaction with a person. I am putting my worth and my perception of life and what I think or feel about life based on how I interpret a situation even if it isn't truth or the things I am reading into are my imagination. I depend on my own interpretation of a situation instead of God's and taking things for what they really are. Basically I have thought and experienced situations like this my whole life which makes it interesting now that I am expected to be a mature adult and I still act like a child in my thinking and interactions.

This weekend and Monday I spent most of my time over-analyzing and worrying about what to do with things at church, my marriage, my experiences with old friends from high school, and basically how lacking in my ability to have friendships. There was alot of fighting, anxious feelings, and stress this weekend. I spend alot of time thinking about people's problems , how to solve their problems, or how they aren't where I wish they would be spiritually. Throughout my day I do alot of judging and alot of critical thinking.

Yesterday I had a great friend who was willing to sit, talk, and work through all my random thoughts and ramblings and help me connect the dots. Many times I have to talk out my ridiculous thoughts to learn how rediculous they are. My friend said she never thinks about people's problems or carry the weight of thinking about them. Whoa really....that is all I spend my time doing when I think about people....

So last night as my husband and I are having a heart to heart....working through all my emotions...I am starting to see hope. Gabe does an awesome job of helping me see truth in a situation because he doesn't read anything into a situation and his emotions and over analyzing don't paralyze him from thinking rightly. As I reflect on the last few days I am really starting to see that any form of analyzing really steals any love that is in my heart for God and others. I loose sight of loving people really quickly because I am so driven to achieve or measure if I am successful- which is the key problem. All this analyzing is to further myself, to make sure that I am being successful or people see me that way. I am starting to realize how much I don't understand what it means to love God and Love others first. That is my priority!!!

I love/act like I am loving people based on other reasons. Only to make sure they are a follower of Jesus or that they are growing in their walk with God. I become frustrated with people when I don't see that because there is no love in my heart for them. I think basically because I don't understand God's love and loving others is....it leads me to over analyze....when I am really genuinely loving others I have no reason to analyze myself or others, because love is my motive. My motive shouldn't be about furthering myself, my passions, the way I look to people, or if I am successful.
Does that make sense? If so, what things are you doing in your life for yourself? Where are you missing loving others in your life? How is analyzing controlling the way you see/love people?

Prayer

Monday

So Today is not going to be a profound blog more filled with questions and rattlings that are happening inside of me. Right now I am really trying to bite off a bit of prayer. I feel like I have a very narraow view of prayer and struggle what it looks like to pray- the things that I think, but also to pray the things that the Holy Spirit brings to mind or that Father desires. I feel at a loss to pray at times, when I am just reciting off a list of needs or wants in peoples lives. Rountinely I struggle to pray for anything in my life because I feel as if it is selfish, but I also feel that if I classify my prayer life as a list of wants for people that is equally disheartening to Father because I am not listening to him, I am just rambling. Is how I think of prayer even biblical? Is praying through each person, saying God will you do this or that, is that prayer? When Jesus prayed over people in the bible it was very short and sweet. Which at times leads me to believe that I spend to much time talking and I have not learned to listen to Father. Then in the NT we read that Jesus would withdraw all night to go and pray. What was Jesus's time of prayer like with Father all night? I am pretty sure most of us would say I would go out of my mind if I was praying that long, which I think is because we don't actually understand prayer.



I don't understand God's heart for prayer. I know there is no formula or perfect answer for everyone. I am not satisfied with my small understanding of prayer and desire more, desire to hear and understand God's design for prayer more. Do you desire more in prayer? Is prayer an obligation or your greatest desire on your to-do list for the day? Is prayer even a one time event or should it be at the forefront of your mind all day? Is prayer a constant conversation with God all day? When we have spent so many days pushing God's voice away how do we hear again? Do I think of prayer as only how it benefits me?

Tuesday

Today I have really been thinking that prayer is not about me at all. Why am I making prayer about me and what I am praying? Spending time in prayer shouldn't be about what I am praying and if God is answering my prayers!! Isn't this all about him and his glory? I think that I have been making prayer about me and what I am doing instead of being found in Jesus. In the relationship that I get to have with him because he choose me. I am spending alot of time overanalyzing myself and becoming irritated that I can't understand. Father will you open my heart and eyes to see you and to see your eternal purpose. Turn my focus to you.

Reading

It has been quite some time since I have blogged. It seems I have not had time or anything that I have wanted to write about. We have finally moved into our new apartment after being in our leaky apt for two weeks longer than we expected. We are unpacking and organizing which takes a lot of energy and intentionality from me. Generally organizing is not a desire of mine except about once a month I get the urge. The summer is almost over and I am ready for students to come back to Purdue even though my daily life will not change. When students come back to Purdue it is like new life is in the city and new wonderful people to meet. I think that is one of the reason's I have grown to love Lafayette is for the people and just how you will always be meeting someone new who has a different story to tell.

So I have completed my first Watchman Nee book finally!! I am on to the second one which is called "The Release of the Spirit". Which is awesome and completely humbling about how we view ourselves. I have also begun reading the book "Big Girls Don't Whine" which is surprisingly really awesome. This book I have gotten two chapters into and is a really awesome filter for any women out there. Many times women spend so much time thinking and analyzing in their head that they forget or never know what reality is. This book gives you reality and if you thought you were a big girl you may question the way you are viewing yourself. I recommend every women read this, either for yourself(if it doesn't apply to you, you may need to ask God to humble your heart) or for those women that you meet with or come in contact with on a daily basis. I will update you as I read further into it about what I am learning about myself and being a Big Girl.

Today I really want to blog about what I have been learning and learning about myself in the book "The Release of the Spirit". The chapter is titled Brokenness and Discipline. This should be no surprise why I love it and am blogging about it. I am sometimes aware of how many other women struggle with pride, some days I am not, but most days I am very aware of my pride. I am either very aware of its ugliness and desire to rid my life of it or I am very thankful for God's light shining in. I desire for humbleness in my heart being the position of my heart. So as I read this chapter Nee discusses how their is our inner spirit and our outer self and the two are at war with each other. Our outer self is continually taking over what the spirit is doing or wants to do. Our outer self is our thoughts, emotions, or our will. One of the things that Nee says is that the motive behind all orderings of God is to destroy our outward man...(and I would add so that God is glorified). There is nothing in us that can glorify God on our own power, the thought shows that we still have such a lofty view of ourselves.

Okay back to Brokenness and Discipline, since Summer Conference I have been learning a great deal about my thoughts, my analyzing, and how those two things are a waist of time. In this chapter Nee discusses how we should fear our own thoughts, that they are like fire. We should treat our thoughts like we are sticking our hand in a flame!!!!! What?! WE SHOULD BE AFRAID TO PURSUE our own thoughts!! Man, I don't think I completely understand the weight of this but I have been praying that God would break me and open my eyes to it. During the day I spend a lot of time imagining situations, imagining how I will relate to others, or how I think relationships are and what my interactions have been with a person. Basically in that time I am depending on myself for the best knowledge and insight into others and situations instead of God. Our outer man has such a greater voice because it comes out of a greater love for our selves and our will instead of God's. How many decisions or words do you say without first talking with God? Nee says, "our emotions run wild because our wills have not been dealt with. God puts us in situations so that we can learn to NOT depend on our emotions but depend on his grace." I venture to say that my will and emotions have not been dealt with completely and have only hit the tip of the iceberg for I still love myself, my thoughts, and opinions more than God's. I still trust myself for my interpretation of people or a situation. I depend on my ability to engage with people instead of listening to God and how he wants me to engage with people. According to Phil 3:3 we are to put no confidence in the flesh.

Earlier this week on Monday I was spending some time asking God what His Heart and Will is. I got a very clear image of the tube that you see in fish tanks that suctions/or puts air in the water, not sure and a rock was stuck in the bottom of it and couldn't come out. I felt like the tube represented my life and the rock represents my pride, my focus on self, and my dependence on my thoughts. I felt like a season is coming where I am going to feel stuck but that God is asking me to push into him, push into his word and allow the brokenness to take over my life. At the end I saw the rock release from the tube-(imagine me inside the tube pushing this rock out and using any strength to push it out). On the way out the rock left marks and took away some of the tube. When God brings brokenness into our lives it will not leave us the same. A humbly broken person does not look the same as they did when they first came to know Christ. So as I think on the picture I pray that this time leaves a great mark that my heart is forever changed. I am also a little scared about this image because last summer was another time of being forever changed, leaving many marks. I think I am beginning to welcome times of brokenness and inviting God to open my eyes to sin. It is truly a great feeling to feel humbleness not just think about it. I know of at least one time I have felt overwhelmed with God's humbleness. So we will see what is to come in the coming months and what God is going to do to mark and forever change me. How is God forever changing you and marking your heart?

Analyzing

I have been learning a great deal about self-analyzing recently and I have felt completely blown away by not seeing this before but am thankful none the less that I am seeing now. At Summer Conference a wise lady told me you are wasting to much time analyzing yourself, others, and fabricating situations in your head that have not and probably will never happen. I was almost completely knocked over in being made aware by someone else how much I analyze. I have known that I do but have never known what to do with it or if it is getting in the way of Jesus doing his business. I also have had a chance to read another chapter in my book "The Normal Christian Life". I have missed reading it, it has been at least a month by now. When I picked it up the chapter happened to be on you know what, Analyzing and depending on myself/my knowledge to live.

I am going to attempt to explain this where it makes sense. Let's start with Psalm 139:23 "Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts." Here Watchman explains that here, the writer is saying Search me O God, not I search myself. Analyzing is wasted effort searching ourselves for our sin, blindness, and where we are wrong. This verse tells us to ask God to search us, Light can only come from Father God. God's light can only be shown where it is admitted. Analyzing is effort and an attempt to explain according to our old selves before we have become a living disciple of Jesus. So those of us....ie me that are followers of Jesus and choose to continue to analyze are attempting to use my understanding and my worldly efforts to shine light in the spiritual realm. My attempts are mere human attempts which will only bring glory to man/or myself. Self Analyzing can lead us to think that we are right/healthy or that we don't need Jesus in an area, hah I laugh at myself daily for thinking those exact thoughts. Nee points out that this is pride....it is pride when we think we are right and do not need God's light/hand to shine or touch an area. Or I spend my time analyzing a situation to death(depending on myself and my own understanding instead of turning to God).

This rocks my world, my entire 24 years of living so far. I have spent most of my life as much as I can remember analyzing and understanding according to my minds ability. Which is why I really hated school. I have been thinking all wrong.... I don't even know what the next thing to do is or how to begin ridding my life of this except to ask more of God's light to come and be present. "No sight ever came by feeling or analyzing. Sight only comes by the Light of God coming in; and when it has come there is no longer a need to ask if something is right or wrong because we already know." Watchman Nee.

I have been spending an insane amount of time depending on myself and my own understanding, God is the only light, his word. I have no idea what to ask you except are you self-analyzing? I have been. I think I need to start asking God to light my path, to shed light into my mind, thoughts, and process of thinking. If you would like an entire copy of the chapter in my book I can copy it for you.

I have really found that by analyzing I make assumptions about people and how they view me. I put emotions on people towards me that they never displayed, and I walk around depending on how I felt in a situation towards a person and then evaluating if the situation/interaction was good or not. It is like I have had my mind locked in a dark black box for awhile with a very skewed understanding of God, this world, and the people in it, and now the lid is being lifted.

Two Weeks

It has been a long time friends. Life the last couple of weeks has seemed like we have been on a ship going back and forth. Last week we had an opportunity to attend the Summer Conference for our network of church's which I will talk more about in a bit. As you all know we recently moved into a new apartment in May but as of 3 weeks ago our chimney was leaking and a week ago we got a storm that gave us 3 inches overnight and our roof was leaking in 6 places :) Now who wouldn't be happy about that.

It was a ruff morning when we awoke to that. Needless to say after this last week of being gone and seeing how much the wall has been damaged. The wall would need to be replaced and mold has started growing in some places, we have decided we can not stay at this apt or that it would be healthy for us. I really do not want to imagine what the attic looks like. We also have been struggling with what to do with sharing a vent system with our downstairs neighbors. She smokes inside alot and we can smell it upstairs. After we talked with our landlord about this apartment not working out she informed us that the neighbor downstairs would be moving out July 1. We don't have a place 100% but we think we do. We really like our landlord just this particular apt has not worked out, so she has told us she has a single standing 2 bedroom home that she is remodeling. We have seen it and like what the potential could be but we are holding off on signing the lease until we see a more finished product. This house has a yard!!!! It has a two car garage(needs a new roof) but Gabe has been daydreaming about a possible place to have his tools. It has a bathtub- for the possibility of a baby sometime next year(I am not pregnant)!

Side Note: Congratulations to Josh and Amy from our Lifegroup they are pregnant!!!! Our first friends here our age to get pregnant!!

All in all on paper this place sounds good but we are trying to be more cautious. You can be praying for us in this moving process again and hopefully this will be a place we will settle for a couple of years.

Last week we had a great chance to be able to spend 3 days in Carbondale, IL. Gabe and I had a chance to spend some time with a great couple from Vine Casey and Celia Raymer. They were great hosts and they were just like us, they had jut been married one year and they love Vine(there local church). It was a priviledge to get to know someone more in depth. I don't have any pictures , I didn't take any pictures, I always forget!!

The conference was a great time to worship, connect, and spend time in God's presence. One of the speaker's that stuck out to me was Jeff Miller the pastor of Clear View Church. He spent time in Luke 15. In his sermon he spent some more time focusing on the older brother and the response that he had to his younger brother leaving, taking all of his inheritance, and spending it all. It hit me like heavy bricks that in some situations I sit outside and pought because someone else is being recieved and cared for more than me. Like the younger brother recieved a party from his father when he returned. This is totally selfish but I have at times sat outside what was happening and pouted. I was not willing to engage and I would overanalyze what people thought of me. As a follower of Jesus we should be more and more excited each time someone new comes in, each time someone comes back to Jesus if they have walked away from God but have come back. Basically Jeff explained in language I could understand feelings I have felt and helped me to work through frustrations.

I also loved the conference because Steve Morgan one of the other pastor's puts it very clearly what this network of churchs' is about and what God is doing in them. This network of churches is about giving all of our time, energy, resources to do what he wants for his kingdom, not what we want for our lives. It is sold out to planting church's in University Cities that will continue to plant more churches. We are about making disciples. Our vision should always be looking forward to Father's house, to being home with Father. That is what we live for to be in Father's house some day. If we loose sight of this the world can distract us and pull us off course. A good sized church for this network is between 800-and 2,000 people. If a church gets to 2,000 people we will be planting churches like crazy so that more people can be reached. More and more we don't live this life for ourselves. It is so amazing to get to see other people have a growing relationship with God and changing their hearts to match his desire for their life. Sometimes I get frustrated becuase I want people to see and love Jesus so much that I try and take control. I trust that God will move in every heart that he wants, and wants to grow.

Sewing

If you always spend more time looking for the perfect fabric to sew with rather than actually sewing, this store will give you hope that there is awesome fabric out there. A couple of months ago I thought it would be cool to open a fabric store, I spend time looking for fabric for our headboard but could never find quite what I wanted. I also couldn't even find a few fabric stores that gave me hope. I found this one though it is called Whip Stitch Fabrics. Here is a picture of there shop and a link below about a women's blog that went and visited. She sells some of her fabric on Etsy.


http://www.dana-made-it.com/2010/06/weekend-at-whipstitch-lounge.html


I at times dream of having a store like that where I can spend time meeting and hanging out with women all day, learning, and challenging myself in sewing. This dream is not for the near future, but I think it is giving me inspiration to keep sewing and trying new things, and making my own patterns from clothes I already love. Just a little insight into what my mind thinks about all day.

Discipline

Starting my blog is the hardest thing, I never know how to start it without using the same phrase or opening sentence.....so Listen up, I guess. Today I am excited because Summer Conference is next week. This conference takes place every summer and is a way for our network of churches, 6 of them total to come together for 3 days. It is an amazing time to worship, to get prayer, and to be in God's presence. We get to leave next Tuesday and I get the whole week off of work :)!

This week though I have been wondering if there would be anything worth blogging about and I think there is finally something worthy of typing and proof reading. Every Wednesday night we have Lifegroup. Lifegroup is our opportunity to build community, grow as a disciple of Jesus, and pray for each other. The topic of lasts night discussion was Father God's Discipline. I myself have not done much of any studying on this topic, even thought I know I do not understand what God's discipline looks like. My main impression is that discipline is God's anger/wrath on our life because we are disobeying. So in our preparation for Lifegroup I learned a great deal about God's discipline that has begun to clear up alot of misunderstanding in me.

I still do not know how exactly to explain or give specific examples but the path that I have begun on is that God does not discipline us out of anger. A basic conclusion that we came to last night is that trials and events in our life that cause growth and a growing in righteousness can be seen as God's discipline. In times of trials and persecution there is still needed discernment on if it is from God or if it is a ploy by the enemy. The only way I can logically understand God's discipline is by looking at the purpose of it. The scripture we were reading out of was Hebrews 12:4-13. Gabe and I had a helpful commentary to explain what some of the verses meant. The purposes of Discipline that I took from this chapter were that discipline is to produce righteousness/growth in our relationship with God, it also points us back to Jesus when we have lost sight of him, and it is something that will provide an opportunity of encouragement of others going through the same struggles in their life and offer encouragement to them.

I think the purpose of Discipline helps to clear up, that God does not discipline us out of anger like parents do at times. The first purpose is to produce rightouesness. Righteousness is huge because I have not been a joyful person in suffering for the majority of my life. I tend to get angry at God and blame him for hardship instead of asking, What do you want to teach me? After about a week of soaking in my pride and being angry I start to see God opening my eyes and teaching me. I have seen great fruit in trials especially all last year as I struggled through how deep the pride in me runs and uprooting that. I have also expereinced it in God asking me to give up running to learn to see a right perspective of myself through his eyes. I am so thankful God's discipline is to produce rightoeusness not punishment.

Discipline/Trials have also shown in my life to direct my eyes to Jesus becuase I have forgotten. Even if I think many times that I have my eyes focused on God other things creep in. Examples for me are my job, meeting with people, and sleep. God tends to know exactly when to remind us of our priorities. So for me God reminds me that he comes first, I place my husband as the next priority, then church, then job, and anything else after that. It is always humbling to be reminded that he is the God of my life.

The last purpose of Discipline is to be able to encourage others who will go through the same things we have. In high school and early college I struggled greatly with depression and an eating disorder and through that time I continually asked why am I the one that has to experience this? Today I don't struggle with why I was the one going through the suffering, because that suffering has been used to bring him glory. I have had many opportunities to talk, support, and pray for these women who are suffering. The greatest thing is that God has healed me of all of it. It is a lie that you always have to deal with an eating disorder or depression. The journey of finding healing is not easy and for me required me to relearn how to live according to Jesus.

How do you respond to God's discipline? Do you ask God to grow you in righteousness and then complain like a baby when he brings experiences into your life to do so? Are you fighting against God because of pride or willingly bending where he wants you to go, what he wants you to do, for his glory? I think we miss many times that God and his desires are the only things that matter. Is your perspective on Discipline right? How do your eyes need to be opened?

Our Kitchen located above

Our living room

Me sewing my curtains

Our headboard

Our bed not painted

Our kitchen pot rack, Gabe's handy work

My new throw pillow covers I sewed

Homemaker

Goodmorning....Ahhh the mid-week drowsiness is setting in, but I am excited that the sun is popping through after a few days of rain. So Gabe and I have been officially in our apartment for one week now and we are starting to adjust to the changes, the things that work and the things that are broken. :) I think I am starting to understand reality, no matter where you live something will always be broken or not work quite right and to make it work takes a little imagination.

One thing I have noticed in the week of being at our new apartment is my heart on doing housework and serving Gabe. All last year I struggled, despised, and drug my feet to do any form of housework. I despised cooking, cleaning, making our bed, doing the dishes, putting dinner away, and frankly did not care. In my heart I was hopeful that some day God would give me the desire to care for my home and serve Gabe and some day our children. I desire to provide a home that is relaxing and a place for Gabe to come home to without added stress. All last year I prayed that God would give me a desire to help, to do the dishes, and to cook. After work I would come home and be a blob sitting on the couch wanting to be lazy and just sleep and make Gabe do everything. First, I definitely did not have a servants heart towards serving Gabe and I cared more about my comfort and relaxation than being a team with Gabe. Things in our home are going to look differently in doing household tasks because I am not home all the time, I work full time and Gabe actually has less hours at work than I do. So right now our roles look differently than they will when I get to stay home with some little ones. Most days Gabe gets the joy of cooking and I mostly do dishes and the rest of the cleaning.

I have no excuse for not caring for my home that God has graciously given me. Just because I work full time that is not an excuse to come home and be a bum and force my husband to do everything. Since moving into our new apt- we have only been here for a week but already I feel like God has given me a greater heart to serve, to do the dishes, to do laundry, and to pick things up(be tidy). It is like God allowed a sudden change in moving to a new place for an inner heart change to happen inside of me. I currently am loving that I can be busy at home with a thankful and servant heart, not a grumbling one. Are you being busy at home, caring for your household? Even if you live by yourself or just have roomates you can be caring for your home with love. I used the excuse I will do it when I am married or when I have kids, but taking care of a home is not something that just happens overnight just because you walk down the isle. Learning how to care for your home is something that has to be learned, you must be taught! Do you care for your home? Do you care for it with a joyful or a grumbling spirit?

I am thankful that God has been answering my prayers because this is not something that I cared to cultivate prior to marriage. I knew taking care of my home was something I desired because of watching other women or reading about it in books, but I never thought it would be that hard. I think learning how to care for your home is something you have to learn/be taught just like we must learn how to love our husbands and children(Titus 2). Are you cultivating a servants heart that is busy at home not idle? Titus 2:3-5 are my favorite verses of who I want to become as a woman of God, if you have never read it check it out and memorize it, reflect on it. If you are struggling with taking care of your home keep praying don't give up, God will change your heart.

Check out this website/reading from another women: http://raisinghomemakers.com/?p=422

His Will

Hello everyone..... oh how I have missed blogging, but we have been busy moving into our new aptartment. As soon as we get internet there I will post some pictures of our new place and our finished bed that Gabe made, and the headboard I made. We have had a pretty busy two weeks with packing and traveling and then moving this last Saturday. I am thankful we are officially all moved in but at times the adjusting can be harder than the moving and that is the case for me right now. This whole week I have been thinking about what I want to blog about, you know since I can't blog anytime I wanted too. :)

Anyway In one of my earlier posts I said I was reading the book "The Normal Christian Life" by Watchman Nee. Well on Tuesday I spent some more time reading one of the chapters called Presenting Ourselves to God. I loved this chapter it talks about things that I have been praying that God would do in many of the women that I have relationship with through church and that he would continue doing in my life.

I will do my best to make my struggles and the things I am learning from the book coincide. As a follower of Jesus I think each day we have to choose to submit to his will daily and give up our desires for our life. Well for me, moving into this new apt. God is forcing me to move out of my will for a perfectly peaceful apt with no problems and no difficult people. I don't think I would be alive if that was the case. The apt we have moved into kind of fell into our lap and seemed to be perfect. The location is in a part of town that isn't exactly sought after but Gabe and I have in a round about way felt called to live in an area where "Normal" people do not want to live or would feel safe. This location is also near our church and apart of a neighborhood we deliver food to for people in need. Well moving in hasn't exactly been easy, many of our appliances are not working correctly or are flat out broken and God has placed some special neighbors in our lives that are much different than I have ever lived with.

Last night I wanted to quit, sometimes I just scream in my head and ask God to explain.I ask him to show me what he wants to teach me and ultimately realize that I am weak and I do not see what is best for God and his glory. I am only looking at what is comfortable for me. Am I and are you willing to do whatever God requires? Right now I am praying that God would humble me and put love in my heart for my neighbors and where he has placed me. So the book, The chapter I just read talks about submitting my life to God's will and that if I am going to say I am giving my life to the Lord I have to give all of it. I can't hold onto a part of it and expect God to use all of it, because I haven't given him my will. Some of the questions that Watchman Nee asks are "Are you willing to do God's will, what he chooses for you not what I choose for myself?" "Does all your desire in life center on his will?"

"God will not let anything of ourselves remain" watchman Nee, this quote has to be the best thing after going through a time of purging by God of things out of my life, but is seemingly torturious as you go through them. I can not continue to let my self-assertive will take over and destroy the glory that God deserves. "We cannot expect the Lord to live out his life in us if we do not give him our lives in which to live."by watchman nee. Okay so knife to the heart, am I standing in the way of God moving in my attitude about our new apt. Somedays I feel inadequate, but I am starting to think that is the best place for me to be inadequate and humble and there is not mistaking God's complete hand in his plan. I have no idea or can even comprehend God's greatness in teaching me things through the circumstances in my life but I am trying to pray that God would change my focus from being focused on what is going wrong, and how my plan isn't his plan, and thinking God's plan is faulty. God's plan is not Faulty!!!! Do you think his plan currently for your life is faulty?

This chapter in "The Normal Christian Life" has also really brought me to prayer for many of the women that I get to have a relationship with through church. This chapter has given me things to pray for these women about making decisions about choosing to stay here in Lafayette for the church, those wrestling with what it looks like to be stay at home mom's and God putting that desire in you, and for those of you who think God isn't using you or isn't going to use you. God does not think you or your life is mediocre, Nor should you be content with being mediocre. People should think you are crazy and radical because you love Jesus so much and your life looks so different than the worlds. Are you willing to give your life to his mission-for him to be glorfied!!!! Please don't try and hang onto your life because the future looks daunting. Fear only paralyzes us. GOD WILL CHANGE ALL OF OUR HEARTS TO BE FOCUSED ON HIM.

Boys-Men-Husbands

Today has been quite the roller coaster for me emotionally but I am thankful when a wave of the Holy Spirit overcomes me. This week Gabe and I are painting and preparing our new apt to move in on Saturday. So I am feeling slightly pinched the last few days and normally I would become filled with anger, but this time it feels different. So two posts or so ago I posted about how I am going to start praying that God would make me weak in him and that I will rejoice in weakness and the feeling of loosing it. Today I walked into work and could just feel the emotions and at first was frustrated and angry because I tend to loose sight of a purpose for working where I do at times.

At work I began praying-My worth is not found in having a job that I feel like I accomplish something, my worth is not found in having something to do or being busy, and my worth is not found in moping around wishing God would change my circumstances. At work I went to the bathroom and could feel the stockpile of tears waiting to pour over. At lunch sometimes I will go and read or pray and today people were gone for lunch so I went out to my car and started praying and thanking God.

I have been asking God to show me more of what it means to love others and what his love looks like and I think today I really realized that my husband is the perfect example of God's love. Our first year of marriage consisted of being angry and frustrated because I did not think Gabe was good enough or looked enough like Jesus, but God and Gabe have shown me grace in waiting for Abba to open my eyes. Today I can feel the glimpse and freedom of God opening my eyes to the amazing gift he has given me. I have recently recieved prayer about sharing with the women that God has given me how important it is to have and set high standards for the men they date/will marry. I was encouraged to share about Gabe and how Gabe is and why the women in our church should seek after men like Gabe. :)

My husband loves me so much, he loves me when I spit in his face(not literally), when I don't understand, when I don't know how to communicate. He loves me amidst my pride, selfishness, and blindness. Gabe loves me enough to challenge me in what God calls me to. He has taught me how important the mother of his children will be and his desire for his wife( ie me)to stay home and care for our children, he loves me enough to believe that God will and has healed me and released me from the lies of depression, he has taught me how to communicate and is slowly teaching me how to make it a priority to care for our home(I still struggle in this area daily).

Ladies the men you seek after should draw you closer to Jesus, they should have a strong convictions to the things of the word(purity, being a part of a church body, dialy time with God). I am so thankful for Gabe's strong conviction to purity before marriage and each day I see others struggling I am more thankful. Are the men you are seeking after Godly men? Are you seeking after God or a man??? Don't let the distractions and things of this world lie to you that you don't have a desire for things of the word. Don't let the world set standards for the man you seek after-have Godly/high standards and don't settle for someone just because you have cuaght there eye. Here is a blog by a man that has some amazing insight about what the men should look like that we seek after. (http://laneannmiller.blogspot.com/2010/05/scars.html) This man's wife has recently died from cancer.

I think my husband is the greatest teacher of love that God could have given me and I believe actually feel it in my heart and know that Gabe is hand picked for me. He sharpens me, he makes me look more like Jesus. Please don't set low standards because you haven't seen a godly man recently he will bring one/make one for you if that is his plan for your life. I also think some of you already have some godly men but you treat them like trash on the side of the road because you are to busy looking at yourself/ I know I was!! Please seek after God's heart for your purpose!!

A Journey to becoming a MOMMA

Happy Friday!!! I love weekends so much. So this post is going to be a combination of sharing with you my journey in how God changed my heart and desire to be a mother that desires to stay at home with her children. I will also be adding in there some things about my husband because A. today is his birthday- he is 25 :) B. our 1 year anniversary is on Sunday!! So we have two big days this weekend in our life.

I wanted to write this blog in joy of our marriage and where God has brought us but also to encourage women who are in the place that I was at one time in my life. I get really patient to share with other women how God has changed my heart about being a mom. I actually become really sad when I hear that a mother doesn't want to stay at home with their kids. FYI I know that all women are not neccessarily called by God to stay home solely but I think there are many that are not listening to that prompting because they are distracted by the world's expectations to have a career or they feel that staying at home isn't a worthy enough calling. So here is my story.

Gabe and I met through Campus Crusade for Christ and our first real interaction together took place discussing who we were and how we grew up over some smoothies. I remember being really nervous about sharing with Gabe that I grew up Mennonite-super conversative and very pacifist. Somehow we started dating amidst my different perspectives and his desires for how the wife that he desired. Our first conversation of what he wanted for his wife and the mother of his children took place in the engineering mall on the steps of I think Hovde. I remember Gabe asking me what my desire was to stay home with kids when I am a mom. My opinion at that time, I was not going to stay home with my kids. I did not have a heart for being a mother or having children. In high school I was so warped that I didn't want to have kids because I cared more about my body than God's kingdom and desire. So of course I asked Gabe what he wanted for his wife and he said, "I want my wife to saty home with my kids until they go to college!" "I want my wife to be at home after school when my kids come home from school." I have no idea what my face looked like when he said that, but I am pretty sure my response was "No way am I staying home, especially until high school."

For us this was the beginning of God using Gabe to bring me to him and make me into a women that seeks after the Lord and makes her family a priority. At this point in my life I had only been walking with God for a year or so, even though I was baptized earlier in my life. Sometimes I wonder what Gabe was thinking when he started dating me but God had a bigger plan. The beginning of life change really happened when I dated Gabe. He would ask me if I thought I could be healed from depression/stop taking anti-depressants. This was an earth shattering question for me because I never thought depression would go away I thought you just dealt with it, I thought this way about my eating disorder as well. God has brought freedom from both of these things. I also started learning about what a stay at home mom does via Gabe about my mother in law. Gabe would talk about how he loved having his mom around and knew he could have taken a different path in life if she wasn't home when they were. I begin to see how being a mom is not a bad job, it isn't a job that should be looked down upon as less than another job. I think in God's eyes being a mother is one of the greatest gift he gives us and can be one of the most glorifying things we can do for father. Raise our children to be disciples of Jesus.

At this time I began reading books by Elizabeth George and I started talking and hearing about my mother in law and what she loved about staying home. My heart began to change. I began to want to know more about God's design for a women and bearing children for his kingdom. So needless to say God has used my husband to mold me into a women-that hopefully will bring him honor. I know this doesn't describe in detail everything but I challenge any women who is reading this and is curretnly only focused on a career to spend some time in prayer asking God to shape your heart into his heart for motherhood.

So today on our journey I yearn to be a stay at home mom and disciple our children, guide them to Jesus instead of having a stranger at daycare raising my child. God's hands can be great in shaping your heart don't miss out on what he has for you out of stubborness. Believe me I am stubborn Gabe will gladly advicate that. Start asking questions of a women who does want to be a stay at home and understand her heart for it and what she feels like God desires.

I am thankful that after 3 1/2 years with Gabe I think I see a more right glance of Jesus and his plan. I am thankful for our first year of marriage and the plans god has for us in this next year. I am thankful that Gabe and I get to help shape each other's heart for Jesus over the next years together. Happy Birthday Gabe and Happy Anniversary!!

Weakness

Weakness is a word that our society seems to think is an awful characteristic to have.... but with Jesus it is an awesome characteristic to have. I have begun reading the book called, "The Normal Christian Life" by Watchman Nee. My sister-in-law was the one who reccommended it to me and she just finished it. So the first thing that I have been thinking about this week is why do we pray that God would give us strength? In our heads when we are struggling with something we just want to get through the struggle as quick as possible and regain our life of normalacy, where nothing is challenging, we stay in our comfort zone, and we are lifted up.

Have you ever thought that we should ask to be made weak to be more like Jesus. Why should I be the one getting more strength, shouldn't I be depending on the strength of our Father? Shouldn't my strength be coming from him not myself? In my head this totally makes sense and I know it to be true, but living to be weak is difficult. Me as a SINNER wants to show others that I am strong, I know things, I have an answer for everything, and I can do it. I can do it if I try hard enough. No, I can not do anything if I try hard enough.

It is a scary thing to pray that I would be made weak, but as I continue to work through pride the only way humbleness comes is by being weak before Jesus. "God Does not Exist to make our lives better" http://laneannmiller.blogspot.com/2010/05/prayer-you-say.html . I think I am growing to understand my need to be weak, to expect suffering(for the benefit of being refined), and to give my entire life to Glorifying God. Are you striving to hold yourself together with your own strength? Are you depending on Father God to be your strength or are you trying to strengthen yourself? Are you running from trials and and stretching experiences or are you asking God what he wants to teach you in them? I pray that we are all made weak in Christ...really weak....and that we would know that he is the only thing we need.

The Marriage Bed ;)

Gabe and Tom gluing the boards together

I posted this picture because Heather and I can't stop laughing at Tom!

So in this picture above Gabe is using his trusty saw that I will come to love some day!!

Above is me starting to cut our headboard until our brand new saw wouldn't work!

Esther

Blogging...I am actually kind of starting to like it and have enjoyed hearing people's responses. This week I have actually been sad I haven't sat down and written anything. So this Sunday the sermon at our church was talking about Esther and how she is a godly women that was willing to give up everything to save God's people. You can listen to the sermon here if you missed it http://clearriverchurch.org/resources/podcasts/.

So first off I love women and I love even more Godly women and watching them seek after God. I love Esther because we get to see how God uses a Queen to save his people Israel from Death. Everything in me burns on fire when I hear her story. Justin Major-speaking pastor challenged everyone are you living a life of SACRIFICE AND SERVICE solely for God's kingdom and his desires or are you living for yourself? Esther says in 4:16 ....I will go to the king, even though it is against the law. And if I perish , I perish!

Awesome, we as women are not called to be wimpy women for Jesus. We are called to be fierce lions that protect and seek after Jesus more everyday. On Sunday and a previous time of recieving prayer I have had people pray over me that they feel like I am an Esther. To me that is such an encouragement that I am not mediocre, I never want to be lazy in the eyes of Jesus. Just when we think we understand God he shows up with new ways to learn about his love, his power, his sovereignty, his grace, and his desire for our life. Esther was a Jew who became Queen and God used her in the place that he put her. Abba does not make mistakes when he puts us places, life situations, jobs, school, and so on. Earlier this year God convicted me on my negative attitude towards my job and reminded me nothing can steal my joy that he has given me and he has placed me at this job for a reason. It was him in the first place that got it for me. He has things for me to learn and people he wants me to learn.

There is a song called You'll come by Hillsong that says "chains be broken, lives be healed, eyes be opened, Christ is revealed". Each day I pray that for the women that attend Clear River and I pray that they pray it for the women in their life. Fierce women seek that the chains in their life be broken off, they ask God to open their eyes to sin, they receive prayer for healing and pray for healing in other women, and in their lives Christ is revealed and we grow in our love for Jesus.

Are you living your life to achieve your dreams? Do you know what God's purpose is for our lives? Are you letting laziness and excuses get in the way of your savior and your relationship with him? In my life right now I feel like God is opening my eyes to see how much I need to pray for my husband and for the men in our church. The more I pray for them the more God shows me that they are to lead and I don't need to try and control them or take control of situations in my life. Prayer is so powerful.

Confession

Goodmorning. I am enjoying the warm weather so much. Last night I had an opportunity to go for a run and play ultimate frisbee for the first time. A guy we were playin with also got stitches!
Gabe has begun to work on our bed and I will try and post pictures sometime in the next week and on thursday we are going to be working on it more I am really excited to see how it turns out. Hopefully my expectations don't outweigh the end result. Heather L. graciously took some really funny pictures of Gabe and Tom getting just 1 side of the bed done. They spent most of their time building saw horses.

I titled this blog Confession because God has provided a few opportunities recently for me to confess to others that my words are not appropriate or uplifting. I have just begun leading another Women's Discipleship Clinic and we spent our time talking about Titus 2 and the first characteristic mentioned about a women is that she should not be a slanderer. We are all guilty of not using our words rightly, gossiping, or tearing others down. So as I am leading discussion on this topic I was aware of needing to confess about joking with other girls about liking boys and speaking negativity about my husband.

I have had two opportunities to confess my sin this week and I have never felt this overwhelming feeling of humility as I have this week. That I am a weak broken vessel. I need Jesus to refine me and have control every area of my life in order to bring glory to him. As long as I let bitterness, anger, or criticalness cloud my thoughts about people I will be sitting in my pride waiting for it to eat me. Confession requires a humble spirit, you are going to someone and confessing the things that you have done. I am starting to see the crucial role that confession plays in growing in my dependence of God but also bringing healing and freedom to all relationships.

TITUS 2

Thank Goodness it is Friday all day I was thinking I would love to blog but don't have anything to blog about until my way home from work and the thoughts started pouring out. So Recently I have felt challenged to start memorizing scripture.....start like it has been a long time. So somehow I felt like I was supposed to memorize Titus 2:3-5 which is how older women are supposed to teach younger women and the awesome characteristics God wants us as women to possess. So I have started memorizing it and feel like I have the generalness of it but this summer I have decided to learn this scripture and write it on my heart, like I could sit down and feel God's passion come out of me if someone asked me what Paul is talking about here.

Today at work I had an interaction with a person that I haven't ever really met before but he was asking me some questions about myself and he was asking about me and why I am doing what I am. Well whenever someone asks me why I am a secretary I have to say because I get to work at my church on monday. I am willing to be a secretary which in the eyes of everyone is pretty lowly especially when you just graduated with a college degree....whatever. I get to serve Jesus all days of the week but Monday he has allowed me to set aside that time to develop the women leaders in our church. So some how it came up that he attends church....somewhere here in town. As I was driving home today I was thinking about this conversation and how by looking at him and hearing him talk I wouldn't think for one second he is a christian.....

So I began thinking about Titus which I had just got done reading a commentary on it at the end of today and at the end of these packed 3 verses it says, "and be subject to your husbands so that no one will malign the word of God." I could go on and on about how so many people take this out of context or as a women they feel it is oppressive to them but I challenge you if you feel that oppression to explore God's love and his actions towards us and his Church. So my question to you is if you claim to be a christian we should be marked by that and no one should question if you are or wonder what it means to be a christian because that person says they are or they go to church but they act just like me and there life is just like mine!!!

It is huge how much a wife can show Jesus and his message to others or how she can tear it down, malign it and make the word of God worthless to the lost by her actions. I am trying to tie this together in my crazy head. I as a wife never want my actions towards my husband to make anyone question Jesus, us lovingly submitting to our husbands is a choice it isn't about if you have the same privileges as a man or about rights...... it is about the lost having eternal life and receiving God's life. A women is so important....A wife is so important that you can bring people to or from Jesus!!! I am excited to see what this summer holds and what I get to learn.... and definitely learn alot about loving my husband.....which is something that every person has to learn/be taught.

Father

Last night I stumbled upon a few great things to read. Today I had an opportunity to read "Pastor Dad", written by Mark Driscoll. It is a small transcript about being a father and how Father's are the pastor's of their families. The Link http://relit.org/pastordad/toc.php . Go read it, Even if you aren't well a dad or a man for that matter it is really insightful and an encouragement for why we will fight for our children's hearts.

A few weeks ago I asked Gabe if he had a vision for our family/what he feels like God is calling us to. His answer was no, I have never thought about it. I think his answer is something that every man says. Most men probably think why do I need a vision for my family, well going through this reading encourages it even more and encourages the wives to uplift their husbands in the role instead of trying to dominate.

I have also been reading about how to make Gabe my number one priority in life and the first thing that Elizabeth George says we as wives should do is PRAY. Sounds easy doesn't it well I personally struggle to pray for Gabe but he is the most important ministry in my life after my relationship with God. Sometimes I totally understand that other times I forget and put the women that I am meeting with before Gabe. So Learning how to pray is a challenge but I have been trying and prayers I started praying a few weeks ago God has been blessing because I decided or am trying to make a consciece decision not to control Gabe or force him to be the man I think he should be instead of letting God change him into the man he wants him to be.

So as I was reading this excerpt on "Pastor Dad" I am excited to show it to Gabe and then I will pray that he will teach him to be the most amazing father ever. Driscoll talks about how it is such an honor to share the name Father with the creator of the univers!!!!! Whoa that is amazing! I am so excited to be able to see God's grace in our lives and our future children's some day. Children are blessings and generations of godliness are like jewels on a crown!! We get a chance to build generations of believers through our actions. Kids are not a burden, annoyance, or take to much money.

Social Work

Ok so I recently I have encountered a few situations where I have been asked about social work or needed to encourage someone in the choice to be a social worker.
What are the good things about being a social worker or being in that field.

Good things about a social worker
- heart wants to help people
-enjoy working with people
- want to serve others
- family oriented

Encouraging someone who is in this field is difficult for me because I have not felt called to that area of work but through going through school and learning different developmental levels of children/teens taught me alot about being a momma which I look forward to someday. The thing about being a social worker is that they ask you to be in a genuine fake relationship and help these people/spend time with them/ and get to know them like a friend but you can not help them in the one true way you believe- show them Jesus and walk them and direting them to Jesus. In the public social services sector you can not share your faith openly. When there are so much spiritual battle going on in this world you can't cover up the evil one's work and how we are all sinful.

I want people to serve and love people and care for the broken lost people of the world- but I do not yet know how to encourage people to do that with a full time job. We are not supposed to walk away from difficult situations but we are also supposed to point everyone we meet to Jesus. What does it look like to be a social worker-healthy and a follower of Jesus, I am not sure but I am thankful that God has given me a heart for people and has opened up doors and is opening our heart to other doors.

Right now I have an opportunity to work with the amazing women at our church. This has been a true blessing and treat to support them in their walk with God. God also calls us to reach out to those that are broken. One way he has begun to shape my heart is the thought of being a foster parent and supporting the orphans of this country and that way. I don't know if or when this opportunity will take shape but I know that God is opening doors and places in our hearts to consider it.

A way that is really close to home is in the next few months my parents will be taking a 9 yr old child into their home named Kassandra, which is going to be amazing, challenging and full of love all at the same time. My parents have desired to be foster parents before but never have had the opportunity. They are recieving Kassandra because her biological mother no longer wants to care for her....... my heart breaks for that child.......but in a few months we get to love her..... I get to love her as my sister and show her Jesus. It will be hard for my parents....but God never said the plan he has for you will be easy.

Godly Submission

This afternoon I pulled out a trusty book, "A Woman After God's Own Heart" by Elizabeth George. I am currently starting and reading the chapter on God's desire for submission and something that can change any women who struggles with submitting or doesn't know how, she has some great insight.

Elizabeth George says, "Submission is the wife's choice. She decides whether or not to follow her husband. No one can do it for her, and no one can make her do it. Her husband can't make her submit and follow, her church can't make her, her pastor can't make her, and neirther can a counselor.She must decide to choose to defer to her husband and follow his leadership."

Her words are so encouraging. I especially have struggled through this first year of my marriage trying to understand what submission looks like and how to submit because I love Jesus and I love my husband. For me I have experienced my pride and selfishness getting in the way of God's design of submission. By the grace of God and the Holy Spirit he has been speaking to me in each situation about choosing him over my pride. Something to ponder, this can apply to anyone whether married or not.

Thoughts and Downtime

Recently while going through my days of work I felt like God was asking me what am I filling my downtime with throughout the day. Previously I was spending all my time looking up a new craft that I could make or seeing what was the next best thing in houses and decorating. All those things are not bad things, but they were comsuming all my extra thoughts and I would come home and feel very drained and frustrated with my situation. About a month or so ago I felt like God said fill your thoughts with honoring things to me and you will find joy and peace.

I began to look for websites/blogs that were encouraging about being a godly woman. I have felt a number of places that have been challenging me to think and find God in daily life. Some days I am so consumed with bordom that I forget how much God can change me and how much he wants to grow me in my walk with him. The blogs I have found especially helpful are to thr right... about amazing women who seek after God's radical call for our life.

As I learn more about Jesus, how much he loves me and how much he loves all of his children. I feel like God calls/puts in us a fierceness for his kingdom- and I am finding that for those who don't feel that it isn't something that only a few feel. No matter what we are doing we can ask God for a fierceness for his kingdom and the things of eternal worth. A small group of women from our church went to a women's retreat in March and at that retreat one of the speakers spoke about being a fierce women for the things of God. During one of the worship times I felt like God was promising that for the women of our church- that we would raise up fierce women that love the Lord and serve him without the world or other people's opinions in mind.

I so long to grow in my fierceness for God's kingdom and to teach others about the treasures that GOd has waiting for us and the plans, THE RADICAL plans he will call us to in our life.

The Beginning

So this is my first real blog entry so we will see what comes out. I decided to start this blog because of some free downtime that I have and I have found the blessing of readingabout a few other awesome ladies walk with God. My desire is that this would be encouraging and an opportunity to relate with one another in how God wants us to live our life out for him.
This week God has truly blessed my husband and I with a more financial stability. We also get a chance to buy a brand new bed which we are so excited about. When we got married we received a bed for free from my parents generous neighbors and it has beenso good to us but it is a little hard. We are excited about a pillow top. Gabe and I are also working on making a fabric headboard and base for our new apt. We will be moving in May. I will post some pictures later once we start working on it.

I love my husband

Thank you Gabe for helping me set up this blog