Tuesday, May 25, 2010


Today has been quite the roller coaster for me emotionally but I am thankful when a wave of the Holy Spirit overcomes me. This week Gabe and I are painting and preparing our new apt to move in on Saturday. So I am feeling slightly pinched the last few days and normally I would become filled with anger, but this time it feels different. So two posts or so ago I posted about how I am going to start praying that God would make me weak in him and that I will rejoice in weakness and the feeling of loosing it. Today I walked into work and could just feel the emotions and at first was frustrated and angry because I tend to loose sight of a purpose for working where I do at times.

At work I began praying-My worth is not found in having a job that I feel like I accomplish something, my worth is not found in having something to do or being busy, and my worth is not found in moping around wishing God would change my circumstances. At work I went to the bathroom and could feel the stockpile of tears waiting to pour over. At lunch sometimes I will go and read or pray and today people were gone for lunch so I went out to my car and started praying and thanking God.

I have been asking God to show me more of what it means to love others and what his love looks like and I think today I really realized that my husband is the perfect example of God's love. Our first year of marriage consisted of being angry and frustrated because I did not think Gabe was good enough or looked enough like Jesus, but God and Gabe have shown me grace in waiting for Abba to open my eyes. Today I can feel the glimpse and freedom of God opening my eyes to the amazing gift he has given me. I have recently recieved prayer about sharing with the women that God has given me how important it is to have and set high standards for the men they date/will marry. I was encouraged to share about Gabe and how Gabe is and why the women in our church should seek after men like Gabe. :)

My husband loves me so much, he loves me when I spit in his face(not literally), when I don't understand, when I don't know how to communicate. He loves me amidst my pride, selfishness, and blindness. Gabe loves me enough to challenge me in what God calls me to. He has taught me how important the mother of his children will be and his desire for his wife( ie me)to stay home and care for our children, he loves me enough to believe that God will and has healed me and released me from the lies of depression, he has taught me how to communicate and is slowly teaching me how to make it a priority to care for our home(I still struggle in this area daily).

Ladies the men you seek after should draw you closer to Jesus, they should have a strong convictions to the things of the word(purity, being a part of a church body, dialy time with God). I am so thankful for Gabe's strong conviction to purity before marriage and each day I see others struggling I am more thankful. Are the men you are seeking after Godly men? Are you seeking after God or a man??? Don't let the distractions and things of this world lie to you that you don't have a desire for things of the word. Don't let the world set standards for the man you seek after-have Godly/high standards and don't settle for someone just because you have cuaght there eye. Here is a blog by a man that has some amazing insight about what the men should look like that we seek after. (http://laneannmiller.blogspot.com/2010/05/scars.html) This man's wife has recently died from cancer.

I think my husband is the greatest teacher of love that God could have given me and I believe actually feel it in my heart and know that Gabe is hand picked for me. He sharpens me, he makes me look more like Jesus. Please don't set low standards because you haven't seen a godly man recently he will bring one/make one for you if that is his plan for your life. I also think some of you already have some godly men but you treat them like trash on the side of the road because you are to busy looking at yourself/ I know I was!! Please seek after God's heart for your purpose!!

Friday, May 21, 2010

A Journey to becoming a MOMMA

Happy Friday!!! I love weekends so much. So this post is going to be a combination of sharing with you my journey in how God changed my heart and desire to be a mother that desires to stay at home with her children. I will also be adding in there some things about my husband because A. today is his birthday- he is 25 :) B. our 1 year anniversary is on Sunday!! So we have two big days this weekend in our life.

I wanted to write this blog in joy of our marriage and where God has brought us but also to encourage women who are in the place that I was at one time in my life. I get really patient to share with other women how God has changed my heart about being a mom. I actually become really sad when I hear that a mother doesn't want to stay at home with their kids. FYI I know that all women are not neccessarily called by God to stay home solely but I think there are many that are not listening to that prompting because they are distracted by the world's expectations to have a career or they feel that staying at home isn't a worthy enough calling. So here is my story.

Gabe and I met through Campus Crusade for Christ and our first real interaction together took place discussing who we were and how we grew up over some smoothies. I remember being really nervous about sharing with Gabe that I grew up Mennonite-super conversative and very pacifist. Somehow we started dating amidst my different perspectives and his desires for how the wife that he desired. Our first conversation of what he wanted for his wife and the mother of his children took place in the engineering mall on the steps of I think Hovde. I remember Gabe asking me what my desire was to stay home with kids when I am a mom. My opinion at that time, I was not going to stay home with my kids. I did not have a heart for being a mother or having children. In high school I was so warped that I didn't want to have kids because I cared more about my body than God's kingdom and desire. So of course I asked Gabe what he wanted for his wife and he said, "I want my wife to saty home with my kids until they go to college!" "I want my wife to be at home after school when my kids come home from school." I have no idea what my face looked like when he said that, but I am pretty sure my response was "No way am I staying home, especially until high school."

For us this was the beginning of God using Gabe to bring me to him and make me into a women that seeks after the Lord and makes her family a priority. At this point in my life I had only been walking with God for a year or so, even though I was baptized earlier in my life. Sometimes I wonder what Gabe was thinking when he started dating me but God had a bigger plan. The beginning of life change really happened when I dated Gabe. He would ask me if I thought I could be healed from depression/stop taking anti-depressants. This was an earth shattering question for me because I never thought depression would go away I thought you just dealt with it, I thought this way about my eating disorder as well. God has brought freedom from both of these things. I also started learning about what a stay at home mom does via Gabe about my mother in law. Gabe would talk about how he loved having his mom around and knew he could have taken a different path in life if she wasn't home when they were. I begin to see how being a mom is not a bad job, it isn't a job that should be looked down upon as less than another job. I think in God's eyes being a mother is one of the greatest gift he gives us and can be one of the most glorifying things we can do for father. Raise our children to be disciples of Jesus.

At this time I began reading books by Elizabeth George and I started talking and hearing about my mother in law and what she loved about staying home. My heart began to change. I began to want to know more about God's design for a women and bearing children for his kingdom. So needless to say God has used my husband to mold me into a women-that hopefully will bring him honor. I know this doesn't describe in detail everything but I challenge any women who is reading this and is curretnly only focused on a career to spend some time in prayer asking God to shape your heart into his heart for motherhood.

So today on our journey I yearn to be a stay at home mom and disciple our children, guide them to Jesus instead of having a stranger at daycare raising my child. God's hands can be great in shaping your heart don't miss out on what he has for you out of stubborness. Believe me I am stubborn Gabe will gladly advicate that. Start asking questions of a women who does want to be a stay at home and understand her heart for it and what she feels like God desires.

I am thankful that after 3 1/2 years with Gabe I think I see a more right glance of Jesus and his plan. I am thankful for our first year of marriage and the plans god has for us in this next year. I am thankful that Gabe and I get to help shape each other's heart for Jesus over the next years together. Happy Birthday Gabe and Happy Anniversary!!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010


Weakness is a word that our society seems to think is an awful characteristic to have.... but with Jesus it is an awesome characteristic to have. I have begun reading the book called, "The Normal Christian Life" by Watchman Nee. My sister-in-law was the one who reccommended it to me and she just finished it. So the first thing that I have been thinking about this week is why do we pray that God would give us strength? In our heads when we are struggling with something we just want to get through the struggle as quick as possible and regain our life of normalacy, where nothing is challenging, we stay in our comfort zone, and we are lifted up.

Have you ever thought that we should ask to be made weak to be more like Jesus. Why should I be the one getting more strength, shouldn't I be depending on the strength of our Father? Shouldn't my strength be coming from him not myself? In my head this totally makes sense and I know it to be true, but living to be weak is difficult. Me as a SINNER wants to show others that I am strong, I know things, I have an answer for everything, and I can do it. I can do it if I try hard enough. No, I can not do anything if I try hard enough.

It is a scary thing to pray that I would be made weak, but as I continue to work through pride the only way humbleness comes is by being weak before Jesus. "God Does not Exist to make our lives better" http://laneannmiller.blogspot.com/2010/05/prayer-you-say.html . I think I am growing to understand my need to be weak, to expect suffering(for the benefit of being refined), and to give my entire life to Glorifying God. Are you striving to hold yourself together with your own strength? Are you depending on Father God to be your strength or are you trying to strengthen yourself? Are you running from trials and and stretching experiences or are you asking God what he wants to teach you in them? I pray that we are all made weak in Christ...really weak....and that we would know that he is the only thing we need.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

The Marriage Bed ;)

Gabe and Tom gluing the boards together

I posted this picture because Heather and I can't stop laughing at Tom!

So in this picture above Gabe is using his trusty saw that I will come to love some day!!

Above is me starting to cut our headboard until our brand new saw wouldn't work!


Blogging...I am actually kind of starting to like it and have enjoyed hearing people's responses. This week I have actually been sad I haven't sat down and written anything. So this Sunday the sermon at our church was talking about Esther and how she is a godly women that was willing to give up everything to save God's people. You can listen to the sermon here if you missed it http://clearriverchurch.org/resources/podcasts/.

So first off I love women and I love even more Godly women and watching them seek after God. I love Esther because we get to see how God uses a Queen to save his people Israel from Death. Everything in me burns on fire when I hear her story. Justin Major-speaking pastor challenged everyone are you living a life of SACRIFICE AND SERVICE solely for God's kingdom and his desires or are you living for yourself? Esther says in 4:16 ....I will go to the king, even though it is against the law. And if I perish , I perish!

Awesome, we as women are not called to be wimpy women for Jesus. We are called to be fierce lions that protect and seek after Jesus more everyday. On Sunday and a previous time of recieving prayer I have had people pray over me that they feel like I am an Esther. To me that is such an encouragement that I am not mediocre, I never want to be lazy in the eyes of Jesus. Just when we think we understand God he shows up with new ways to learn about his love, his power, his sovereignty, his grace, and his desire for our life. Esther was a Jew who became Queen and God used her in the place that he put her. Abba does not make mistakes when he puts us places, life situations, jobs, school, and so on. Earlier this year God convicted me on my negative attitude towards my job and reminded me nothing can steal my joy that he has given me and he has placed me at this job for a reason. It was him in the first place that got it for me. He has things for me to learn and people he wants me to learn.

There is a song called You'll come by Hillsong that says "chains be broken, lives be healed, eyes be opened, Christ is revealed". Each day I pray that for the women that attend Clear River and I pray that they pray it for the women in their life. Fierce women seek that the chains in their life be broken off, they ask God to open their eyes to sin, they receive prayer for healing and pray for healing in other women, and in their lives Christ is revealed and we grow in our love for Jesus.

Are you living your life to achieve your dreams? Do you know what God's purpose is for our lives? Are you letting laziness and excuses get in the way of your savior and your relationship with him? In my life right now I feel like God is opening my eyes to see how much I need to pray for my husband and for the men in our church. The more I pray for them the more God shows me that they are to lead and I don't need to try and control them or take control of situations in my life. Prayer is so powerful.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010


Goodmorning. I am enjoying the warm weather so much. Last night I had an opportunity to go for a run and play ultimate frisbee for the first time. A guy we were playin with also got stitches!
Gabe has begun to work on our bed and I will try and post pictures sometime in the next week and on thursday we are going to be working on it more I am really excited to see how it turns out. Hopefully my expectations don't outweigh the end result. Heather L. graciously took some really funny pictures of Gabe and Tom getting just 1 side of the bed done. They spent most of their time building saw horses.

I titled this blog Confession because God has provided a few opportunities recently for me to confess to others that my words are not appropriate or uplifting. I have just begun leading another Women's Discipleship Clinic and we spent our time talking about Titus 2 and the first characteristic mentioned about a women is that she should not be a slanderer. We are all guilty of not using our words rightly, gossiping, or tearing others down. So as I am leading discussion on this topic I was aware of needing to confess about joking with other girls about liking boys and speaking negativity about my husband.

I have had two opportunities to confess my sin this week and I have never felt this overwhelming feeling of humility as I have this week. That I am a weak broken vessel. I need Jesus to refine me and have control every area of my life in order to bring glory to him. As long as I let bitterness, anger, or criticalness cloud my thoughts about people I will be sitting in my pride waiting for it to eat me. Confession requires a humble spirit, you are going to someone and confessing the things that you have done. I am starting to see the crucial role that confession plays in growing in my dependence of God but also bringing healing and freedom to all relationships.