Monday, July 26, 2010



So Today is not going to be a profound blog more filled with questions and rattlings that are happening inside of me. Right now I am really trying to bite off a bit of prayer. I feel like I have a very narraow view of prayer and struggle what it looks like to pray- the things that I think, but also to pray the things that the Holy Spirit brings to mind or that Father desires. I feel at a loss to pray at times, when I am just reciting off a list of needs or wants in peoples lives. Rountinely I struggle to pray for anything in my life because I feel as if it is selfish, but I also feel that if I classify my prayer life as a list of wants for people that is equally disheartening to Father because I am not listening to him, I am just rambling. Is how I think of prayer even biblical? Is praying through each person, saying God will you do this or that, is that prayer? When Jesus prayed over people in the bible it was very short and sweet. Which at times leads me to believe that I spend to much time talking and I have not learned to listen to Father. Then in the NT we read that Jesus would withdraw all night to go and pray. What was Jesus's time of prayer like with Father all night? I am pretty sure most of us would say I would go out of my mind if I was praying that long, which I think is because we don't actually understand prayer.

I don't understand God's heart for prayer. I know there is no formula or perfect answer for everyone. I am not satisfied with my small understanding of prayer and desire more, desire to hear and understand God's design for prayer more. Do you desire more in prayer? Is prayer an obligation or your greatest desire on your to-do list for the day? Is prayer even a one time event or should it be at the forefront of your mind all day? Is prayer a constant conversation with God all day? When we have spent so many days pushing God's voice away how do we hear again? Do I think of prayer as only how it benefits me?


Today I have really been thinking that prayer is not about me at all. Why am I making prayer about me and what I am praying? Spending time in prayer shouldn't be about what I am praying and if God is answering my prayers!! Isn't this all about him and his glory? I think that I have been making prayer about me and what I am doing instead of being found in Jesus. In the relationship that I get to have with him because he choose me. I am spending alot of time overanalyzing myself and becoming irritated that I can't understand. Father will you open my heart and eyes to see you and to see your eternal purpose. Turn my focus to you.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010


It has been quite some time since I have blogged. It seems I have not had time or anything that I have wanted to write about. We have finally moved into our new apartment after being in our leaky apt for two weeks longer than we expected. We are unpacking and organizing which takes a lot of energy and intentionality from me. Generally organizing is not a desire of mine except about once a month I get the urge. The summer is almost over and I am ready for students to come back to Purdue even though my daily life will not change. When students come back to Purdue it is like new life is in the city and new wonderful people to meet. I think that is one of the reason's I have grown to love Lafayette is for the people and just how you will always be meeting someone new who has a different story to tell.

So I have completed my first Watchman Nee book finally!! I am on to the second one which is called "The Release of the Spirit". Which is awesome and completely humbling about how we view ourselves. I have also begun reading the book "Big Girls Don't Whine" which is surprisingly really awesome. This book I have gotten two chapters into and is a really awesome filter for any women out there. Many times women spend so much time thinking and analyzing in their head that they forget or never know what reality is. This book gives you reality and if you thought you were a big girl you may question the way you are viewing yourself. I recommend every women read this, either for yourself(if it doesn't apply to you, you may need to ask God to humble your heart) or for those women that you meet with or come in contact with on a daily basis. I will update you as I read further into it about what I am learning about myself and being a Big Girl.

Today I really want to blog about what I have been learning and learning about myself in the book "The Release of the Spirit". The chapter is titled Brokenness and Discipline. This should be no surprise why I love it and am blogging about it. I am sometimes aware of how many other women struggle with pride, some days I am not, but most days I am very aware of my pride. I am either very aware of its ugliness and desire to rid my life of it or I am very thankful for God's light shining in. I desire for humbleness in my heart being the position of my heart. So as I read this chapter Nee discusses how their is our inner spirit and our outer self and the two are at war with each other. Our outer self is continually taking over what the spirit is doing or wants to do. Our outer self is our thoughts, emotions, or our will. One of the things that Nee says is that the motive behind all orderings of God is to destroy our outward man...(and I would add so that God is glorified). There is nothing in us that can glorify God on our own power, the thought shows that we still have such a lofty view of ourselves.

Okay back to Brokenness and Discipline, since Summer Conference I have been learning a great deal about my thoughts, my analyzing, and how those two things are a waist of time. In this chapter Nee discusses how we should fear our own thoughts, that they are like fire. We should treat our thoughts like we are sticking our hand in a flame!!!!! What?! WE SHOULD BE AFRAID TO PURSUE our own thoughts!! Man, I don't think I completely understand the weight of this but I have been praying that God would break me and open my eyes to it. During the day I spend a lot of time imagining situations, imagining how I will relate to others, or how I think relationships are and what my interactions have been with a person. Basically in that time I am depending on myself for the best knowledge and insight into others and situations instead of God. Our outer man has such a greater voice because it comes out of a greater love for our selves and our will instead of God's. How many decisions or words do you say without first talking with God? Nee says, "our emotions run wild because our wills have not been dealt with. God puts us in situations so that we can learn to NOT depend on our emotions but depend on his grace." I venture to say that my will and emotions have not been dealt with completely and have only hit the tip of the iceberg for I still love myself, my thoughts, and opinions more than God's. I still trust myself for my interpretation of people or a situation. I depend on my ability to engage with people instead of listening to God and how he wants me to engage with people. According to Phil 3:3 we are to put no confidence in the flesh.

Earlier this week on Monday I was spending some time asking God what His Heart and Will is. I got a very clear image of the tube that you see in fish tanks that suctions/or puts air in the water, not sure and a rock was stuck in the bottom of it and couldn't come out. I felt like the tube represented my life and the rock represents my pride, my focus on self, and my dependence on my thoughts. I felt like a season is coming where I am going to feel stuck but that God is asking me to push into him, push into his word and allow the brokenness to take over my life. At the end I saw the rock release from the tube-(imagine me inside the tube pushing this rock out and using any strength to push it out). On the way out the rock left marks and took away some of the tube. When God brings brokenness into our lives it will not leave us the same. A humbly broken person does not look the same as they did when they first came to know Christ. So as I think on the picture I pray that this time leaves a great mark that my heart is forever changed. I am also a little scared about this image because last summer was another time of being forever changed, leaving many marks. I think I am beginning to welcome times of brokenness and inviting God to open my eyes to sin. It is truly a great feeling to feel humbleness not just think about it. I know of at least one time I have felt overwhelmed with God's humbleness. So we will see what is to come in the coming months and what God is going to do to mark and forever change me. How is God forever changing you and marking your heart?

Friday, July 2, 2010


I have been learning a great deal about self-analyzing recently and I have felt completely blown away by not seeing this before but am thankful none the less that I am seeing now. At Summer Conference a wise lady told me you are wasting to much time analyzing yourself, others, and fabricating situations in your head that have not and probably will never happen. I was almost completely knocked over in being made aware by someone else how much I analyze. I have known that I do but have never known what to do with it or if it is getting in the way of Jesus doing his business. I also have had a chance to read another chapter in my book "The Normal Christian Life". I have missed reading it, it has been at least a month by now. When I picked it up the chapter happened to be on you know what, Analyzing and depending on myself/my knowledge to live.

I am going to attempt to explain this where it makes sense. Let's start with Psalm 139:23 "Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts." Here Watchman explains that here, the writer is saying Search me O God, not I search myself. Analyzing is wasted effort searching ourselves for our sin, blindness, and where we are wrong. This verse tells us to ask God to search us, Light can only come from Father God. God's light can only be shown where it is admitted. Analyzing is effort and an attempt to explain according to our old selves before we have become a living disciple of Jesus. So those of me that are followers of Jesus and choose to continue to analyze are attempting to use my understanding and my worldly efforts to shine light in the spiritual realm. My attempts are mere human attempts which will only bring glory to man/or myself. Self Analyzing can lead us to think that we are right/healthy or that we don't need Jesus in an area, hah I laugh at myself daily for thinking those exact thoughts. Nee points out that this is is pride when we think we are right and do not need God's light/hand to shine or touch an area. Or I spend my time analyzing a situation to death(depending on myself and my own understanding instead of turning to God).

This rocks my world, my entire 24 years of living so far. I have spent most of my life as much as I can remember analyzing and understanding according to my minds ability. Which is why I really hated school. I have been thinking all wrong.... I don't even know what the next thing to do is or how to begin ridding my life of this except to ask more of God's light to come and be present. "No sight ever came by feeling or analyzing. Sight only comes by the Light of God coming in; and when it has come there is no longer a need to ask if something is right or wrong because we already know." Watchman Nee.

I have been spending an insane amount of time depending on myself and my own understanding, God is the only light, his word. I have no idea what to ask you except are you self-analyzing? I have been. I think I need to start asking God to light my path, to shed light into my mind, thoughts, and process of thinking. If you would like an entire copy of the chapter in my book I can copy it for you.

I have really found that by analyzing I make assumptions about people and how they view me. I put emotions on people towards me that they never displayed, and I walk around depending on how I felt in a situation towards a person and then evaluating if the situation/interaction was good or not. It is like I have had my mind locked in a dark black box for awhile with a very skewed understanding of God, this world, and the people in it, and now the lid is being lifted.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Two Weeks

It has been a long time friends. Life the last couple of weeks has seemed like we have been on a ship going back and forth. Last week we had an opportunity to attend the Summer Conference for our network of church's which I will talk more about in a bit. As you all know we recently moved into a new apartment in May but as of 3 weeks ago our chimney was leaking and a week ago we got a storm that gave us 3 inches overnight and our roof was leaking in 6 places :) Now who wouldn't be happy about that.

It was a ruff morning when we awoke to that. Needless to say after this last week of being gone and seeing how much the wall has been damaged. The wall would need to be replaced and mold has started growing in some places, we have decided we can not stay at this apt or that it would be healthy for us. I really do not want to imagine what the attic looks like. We also have been struggling with what to do with sharing a vent system with our downstairs neighbors. She smokes inside alot and we can smell it upstairs. After we talked with our landlord about this apartment not working out she informed us that the neighbor downstairs would be moving out July 1. We don't have a place 100% but we think we do. We really like our landlord just this particular apt has not worked out, so she has told us she has a single standing 2 bedroom home that she is remodeling. We have seen it and like what the potential could be but we are holding off on signing the lease until we see a more finished product. This house has a yard!!!! It has a two car garage(needs a new roof) but Gabe has been daydreaming about a possible place to have his tools. It has a bathtub- for the possibility of a baby sometime next year(I am not pregnant)!

Side Note: Congratulations to Josh and Amy from our Lifegroup they are pregnant!!!! Our first friends here our age to get pregnant!!

All in all on paper this place sounds good but we are trying to be more cautious. You can be praying for us in this moving process again and hopefully this will be a place we will settle for a couple of years.

Last week we had a great chance to be able to spend 3 days in Carbondale, IL. Gabe and I had a chance to spend some time with a great couple from Vine Casey and Celia Raymer. They were great hosts and they were just like us, they had jut been married one year and they love Vine(there local church). It was a priviledge to get to know someone more in depth. I don't have any pictures , I didn't take any pictures, I always forget!!

The conference was a great time to worship, connect, and spend time in God's presence. One of the speaker's that stuck out to me was Jeff Miller the pastor of Clear View Church. He spent time in Luke 15. In his sermon he spent some more time focusing on the older brother and the response that he had to his younger brother leaving, taking all of his inheritance, and spending it all. It hit me like heavy bricks that in some situations I sit outside and pought because someone else is being recieved and cared for more than me. Like the younger brother recieved a party from his father when he returned. This is totally selfish but I have at times sat outside what was happening and pouted. I was not willing to engage and I would overanalyze what people thought of me. As a follower of Jesus we should be more and more excited each time someone new comes in, each time someone comes back to Jesus if they have walked away from God but have come back. Basically Jeff explained in language I could understand feelings I have felt and helped me to work through frustrations.

I also loved the conference because Steve Morgan one of the other pastor's puts it very clearly what this network of churchs' is about and what God is doing in them. This network of churches is about giving all of our time, energy, resources to do what he wants for his kingdom, not what we want for our lives. It is sold out to planting church's in University Cities that will continue to plant more churches. We are about making disciples. Our vision should always be looking forward to Father's house, to being home with Father. That is what we live for to be in Father's house some day. If we loose sight of this the world can distract us and pull us off course. A good sized church for this network is between 800-and 2,000 people. If a church gets to 2,000 people we will be planting churches like crazy so that more people can be reached. More and more we don't live this life for ourselves. It is so amazing to get to see other people have a growing relationship with God and changing their hearts to match his desire for their life. Sometimes I get frustrated becuase I want people to see and love Jesus so much that I try and take control. I trust that God will move in every heart that he wants, and wants to grow.