It has been quite some time since I have blogged. It seems I have not had time or anything that I have wanted to write about. We have finally moved into our new apartment after being in our leaky apt for two weeks longer than we expected. We are unpacking and organizing which takes a lot of energy and intentionality from me. Generally organizing is not a desire of mine except about once a month I get the urge. The summer is almost over and I am ready for students to come back to Purdue even though my daily life will not change. When students come back to Purdue it is like new life is in the city and new wonderful people to meet. I think that is one of the reason's I have grown to love Lafayette is for the people and just how you will always be meeting someone new who has a different story to tell.
So I have completed my first Watchman Nee book finally!! I am on to the second one which is called "The Release of the Spirit". Which is awesome and completely humbling about how we view ourselves. I have also begun reading the book "Big Girls Don't Whine" which is surprisingly really awesome. This book I have gotten two chapters into and is a really awesome filter for any women out there. Many times women spend so much time thinking and analyzing in their head that they forget or never know what reality is. This book gives you reality and if you thought you were a big girl you may question the way you are viewing yourself. I recommend every women read this, either for yourself(if it doesn't apply to you, you may need to ask God to humble your heart) or for those women that you meet with or come in contact with on a daily basis. I will update you as I read further into it about what I am learning about myself and being a Big Girl.
Today I really want to blog about what I have been learning and learning about myself in the book "The Release of the Spirit". The chapter is titled Brokenness and Discipline. This should be no surprise why I love it and am blogging about it. I am sometimes aware of how many other women struggle with pride, some days I am not, but most days I am very aware of my pride. I am either very aware of its ugliness and desire to rid my life of it or I am very thankful for God's light shining in. I desire for humbleness in my heart being the position of my heart. So as I read this chapter Nee discusses how their is our inner spirit and our outer self and the two are at war with each other. Our outer self is continually taking over what the spirit is doing or wants to do. Our outer self is our thoughts, emotions, or our will. One of the things that Nee says is that the motive behind all orderings of God is to destroy our outward man...(and I would add so that God is glorified). There is nothing in us that can glorify God on our own power, the thought shows that we still have such a lofty view of ourselves.
Okay back to Brokenness and Discipline, since Summer Conference I have been learning a great deal about my thoughts, my analyzing, and how those two things are a waist of time. In this chapter Nee discusses how we should fear our own thoughts, that they are like fire. We should treat our thoughts like we are sticking our hand in a flame!!!!! What?! WE SHOULD BE AFRAID TO PURSUE our own thoughts!! Man, I don't think I completely understand the weight of this but I have been praying that God would break me and open my eyes to it. During the day I spend a lot of time imagining situations, imagining how I will relate to others, or how I think relationships are and what my interactions have been with a person. Basically in that time I am depending on myself for the best knowledge and insight into others and situations instead of God. Our outer man has such a greater voice because it comes out of a greater love for our selves and our will instead of God's. How many decisions or words do you say without first talking with God? Nee says, "our emotions run wild because our wills have not been dealt with. God puts us in situations so that we can learn to NOT depend on our emotions but depend on his grace." I venture to say that my will and emotions have not been dealt with completely and have only hit the tip of the iceberg for I still love myself, my thoughts, and opinions more than God's. I still trust myself for my interpretation of people or a situation. I depend on my ability to engage with people instead of listening to God and how he wants me to engage with people. According to Phil 3:3 we are to put no confidence in the flesh.
Earlier this week on Monday I was spending some time asking God what His Heart and Will is. I got a very clear image of the tube that you see in fish tanks that suctions/or puts air in the water, not sure and a rock was stuck in the bottom of it and couldn't come out. I felt like the tube represented my life and the rock represents my pride, my focus on self, and my dependence on my thoughts. I felt like a season is coming where I am going to feel stuck but that God is asking me to push into him, push into his word and allow the brokenness to take over my life. At the end I saw the rock release from the tube-(imagine me inside the tube pushing this rock out and using any strength to push it out). On the way out the rock left marks and took away some of the tube. When God brings brokenness into our lives it will not leave us the same. A humbly broken person does not look the same as they did when they first came to know Christ. So as I think on the picture I pray that this time leaves a great mark that my heart is forever changed. I am also a little scared about this image because last summer was another time of being forever changed, leaving many marks. I think I am beginning to welcome times of brokenness and inviting God to open my eyes to sin. It is truly a great feeling to feel humbleness not just think about it. I know of at least one time I have felt overwhelmed with God's humbleness. So we will see what is to come in the coming months and what God is going to do to mark and forever change me. How is God forever changing you and marking your heart?