I am free!! This week has been a very difficult week but at the same time God's hand has moved with mighty power in which he deserves all praise. This summer I wrote a post about fighting with my outer self and dieing to my outer self so that I can live according to the spirit. Read here . In the last two months since praying that God would completely break me and reveal to me how I am depending on my outer self he has successfully done that :).
The things that I still depended on myself for and had as idols were relationships with others and how I perceived those relationships, and finding my worth in how people were growing in their relationship with God. For me who spent so much time pouring into relationships this seems daunting because we interact with people daily. Through this time of God's hand revealing to me relationships he opened my eyes to specific relationships in which I was finding my worth. If they couldn't hang out or didn't call me back my emotions and how I was feeling about myself would be directly affected. I also had a very difficult time relaxing while hanging out with people because I would be so concerned with how they were spiritually that I was anxious. Through some very intentional events of being rejected by a few people, encountering a very demeaning person at work, and God's hand he opened my eyes and freed my heart.
This Wednesday I took a day off of work to re-group about why I was there and to rest. During that day I had an opportunity to surrender to Father that my worth was not found in relationships and that he views me with love and his view of me is not altered by how other people perceive me. On Wednesday I could feel the holy spirit on me so I just began singing, praying, and worshiping. As I surrendered each relationship specifically and emotions I felt God said you are completely FREE!!! At first I was not convinced and I wondered if I truly heard God but I have had some specific times where relating with people that it was previously difficult with was covered with God's grace. I was free to relate with them, and love being present with them. I still am completely blown away by How God can change us immediately when our heart is lowly and completely fulfilled by him and nothing else.