This weekend Gabe and I went home to my parents house for a fun visit. We got to spend some time with my new sister Kassy. Here are some pictures of us carving pumpkins.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Home
This weekend Gabe and I went home to my parents house for a fun visit. We got to spend some time with my new sister Kassy. Here are some pictures of us carving pumpkins.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
FREE
I am free!! This week has been a very difficult week but at the same time God's hand has moved with mighty power in which he deserves all praise. This summer I wrote a post about fighting with my outer self and dieing to my outer self so that I can live according to the spirit. Read here . In the last two months since praying that God would completely break me and reveal to me how I am depending on my outer self he has successfully done that :).
The things that I still depended on myself for and had as idols were relationships with others and how I perceived those relationships, and finding my worth in how people were growing in their relationship with God. For me who spent so much time pouring into relationships this seems daunting because we interact with people daily. Through this time of God's hand revealing to me relationships he opened my eyes to specific relationships in which I was finding my worth. If they couldn't hang out or didn't call me back my emotions and how I was feeling about myself would be directly affected. I also had a very difficult time relaxing while hanging out with people because I would be so concerned with how they were spiritually that I was anxious. Through some very intentional events of being rejected by a few people, encountering a very demeaning person at work, and God's hand he opened my eyes and freed my heart.
This Wednesday I took a day off of work to re-group about why I was there and to rest. During that day I had an opportunity to surrender to Father that my worth was not found in relationships and that he views me with love and his view of me is not altered by how other people perceive me. On Wednesday I could feel the holy spirit on me so I just began singing, praying, and worshiping. As I surrendered each relationship specifically and emotions I felt God said you are completely FREE!!! At first I was not convinced and I wondered if I truly heard God but I have had some specific times where relating with people that it was previously difficult with was covered with God's grace. I was free to relate with them, and love being present with them. I still am completely blown away by How God can change us immediately when our heart is lowly and completely fulfilled by him and nothing else.
The things that I still depended on myself for and had as idols were relationships with others and how I perceived those relationships, and finding my worth in how people were growing in their relationship with God. For me who spent so much time pouring into relationships this seems daunting because we interact with people daily. Through this time of God's hand revealing to me relationships he opened my eyes to specific relationships in which I was finding my worth. If they couldn't hang out or didn't call me back my emotions and how I was feeling about myself would be directly affected. I also had a very difficult time relaxing while hanging out with people because I would be so concerned with how they were spiritually that I was anxious. Through some very intentional events of being rejected by a few people, encountering a very demeaning person at work, and God's hand he opened my eyes and freed my heart.
This Wednesday I took a day off of work to re-group about why I was there and to rest. During that day I had an opportunity to surrender to Father that my worth was not found in relationships and that he views me with love and his view of me is not altered by how other people perceive me. On Wednesday I could feel the holy spirit on me so I just began singing, praying, and worshiping. As I surrendered each relationship specifically and emotions I felt God said you are completely FREE!!! At first I was not convinced and I wondered if I truly heard God but I have had some specific times where relating with people that it was previously difficult with was covered with God's grace. I was free to relate with them, and love being present with them. I still am completely blown away by How God can change us immediately when our heart is lowly and completely fulfilled by him and nothing else.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Surrender
Happy Friday, it seems like I am blogging alot on Fridays. So Since finishing my last book "Brokenness" I have picked up a new book called "How to Worship Jesus Christ" by Joseph Carroll. These two books have both spoken on how no one can truly be used fully by God unless they give everything of themselves and their life up. In this season of my life right now I am beginning to learn what it means to fully break and give everything to God.
Have you surrendered everything to God? Do you remember when you surrendered everything to God?
Have you given up your right to yourself, intellect, emotions, and your will?
I feel like I am beginning to understand what it looks like to deny myself and give up everything. I am currently working through giving up any right to myself. For me this means the right to think I know best, that my thoughts/perceptions are always right, and that I am not the godly standard. God is revealing to me the idols of self and relationships with others that I have carried with me up to this point in my life. Relationships are not meant to be where I find my purpose. Up to this point in my life I was still trying to find love in friendships and my emotions would fluctuate on how I percieved friendships to be. In the book about worship one thing that spoke to him was, if Jesus says, "All this I did for you, What have you done for me?" I think we all must expereince our knees, sacrificing everything for jesus(our dreams, perfect family, living close to parents, job, body, relationship). Why would we settle for less?
I am humbled to learn what it means to ask God for mercy, what it means to depend on him to guide every step and decision you make. I pray that God does not let me get off my knees until I am broken and fully his. That I think nothing of myself and all of him. I am nothing, when I am nothing God can use me fully.
Another thing that I have really felt God bringing to the forefront is how so many women struggle to initiate a friendship because of the fear inside of them. For myself I fear engaging with someone or calling someone because I am fearful of being rejected or hurt. I have really felt an urgency to pray for the women here in our church that the fear that keeps them from having amazing Godly relationshps with other women would not hold them captive. I have been praying freedom for myself from the fear and God has identified some specifics situations in my past where I did not feel loved and has been bringing healing to that area. As I have been praying for the women in our church an image that I saw was of women in lines as slaves working in a field and I felt like God was saying pray, cast off this fear that is holding us as slaves. Satan has no place in our hearts and paralyzing us with fear. I know that healthy relationships with women is a gift from God. In the bible there are two different kinds of friendships. One is philos-to be friendly, wish well, to associate familiarly with. The other is agapetos- which means beloved, esteemed, worthy of love. Agapetos is the meaning that many of the NT writers use when talking to a person they are sending their letter to. I pray that every women has a healthy relationship with another women and hopefully more than one, that they would be beloved friends.
Have a awesome weekend!
Have you surrendered everything to God? Do you remember when you surrendered everything to God?
Have you given up your right to yourself, intellect, emotions, and your will?
I feel like I am beginning to understand what it looks like to deny myself and give up everything. I am currently working through giving up any right to myself. For me this means the right to think I know best, that my thoughts/perceptions are always right, and that I am not the godly standard. God is revealing to me the idols of self and relationships with others that I have carried with me up to this point in my life. Relationships are not meant to be where I find my purpose. Up to this point in my life I was still trying to find love in friendships and my emotions would fluctuate on how I percieved friendships to be. In the book about worship one thing that spoke to him was, if Jesus says, "All this I did for you, What have you done for me?" I think we all must expereince our knees, sacrificing everything for jesus(our dreams, perfect family, living close to parents, job, body, relationship). Why would we settle for less?
I am humbled to learn what it means to ask God for mercy, what it means to depend on him to guide every step and decision you make. I pray that God does not let me get off my knees until I am broken and fully his. That I think nothing of myself and all of him. I am nothing, when I am nothing God can use me fully.
Another thing that I have really felt God bringing to the forefront is how so many women struggle to initiate a friendship because of the fear inside of them. For myself I fear engaging with someone or calling someone because I am fearful of being rejected or hurt. I have really felt an urgency to pray for the women here in our church that the fear that keeps them from having amazing Godly relationshps with other women would not hold them captive. I have been praying freedom for myself from the fear and God has identified some specifics situations in my past where I did not feel loved and has been bringing healing to that area. As I have been praying for the women in our church an image that I saw was of women in lines as slaves working in a field and I felt like God was saying pray, cast off this fear that is holding us as slaves. Satan has no place in our hearts and paralyzing us with fear. I know that healthy relationships with women is a gift from God. In the bible there are two different kinds of friendships. One is philos-to be friendly, wish well, to associate familiarly with. The other is agapetos- which means beloved, esteemed, worthy of love. Agapetos is the meaning that many of the NT writers use when talking to a person they are sending their letter to. I pray that every women has a healthy relationship with another women and hopefully more than one, that they would be beloved friends.
Have a awesome weekend!
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
A New Sister
Last night I met my new sister!!! For those of you who don't know my parents have been in the process of being a permanant guardian/foster care parent since January. When my parents started the process they knew the child that they would be taking.
My new sister's name is Kassy she is 9 and has been living in Georgia for the last couple of years. On Monday my parents drove down to Georgia and on Tuesday were able to pick her up. Last night at midnight my parents arrived at my house and I got to meet her. They also got to crash on our floor. I didn't get to interact with her to much except give her a hug when I first met her. I don't have a picture because we were all pretty tired when they got there.
As I lay in bed all I could think about is that there is one less child living in a place where she is not loved or cared for. She has a family again. I just prayed that God would be caring for her little heart, that she would never doubt his love for her. Yesterday I was pretty emotional about it and in the next few weeks I will go up and spend some more time getting to know her.
My parents have a long, challenging, and joyful road ahead.
My new sister's name is Kassy she is 9 and has been living in Georgia for the last couple of years. On Monday my parents drove down to Georgia and on Tuesday were able to pick her up. Last night at midnight my parents arrived at my house and I got to meet her. They also got to crash on our floor. I didn't get to interact with her to much except give her a hug when I first met her. I don't have a picture because we were all pretty tired when they got there.
As I lay in bed all I could think about is that there is one less child living in a place where she is not loved or cared for. She has a family again. I just prayed that God would be caring for her little heart, that she would never doubt his love for her. Yesterday I was pretty emotional about it and in the next few weeks I will go up and spend some more time getting to know her.
My parents have a long, challenging, and joyful road ahead.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
"Our culture is obsessed with being whole and feeling good. That drive affects even the way we view the Christian life. We want a "painless Pentecost"; we want a "laughing" revival. We want gain without pain; we want the resurrection without going through the grave; we want life without experiencing death; we want a crown without going by the way of the cross. But in God's economy, the way up is down(brokenness)." You and I will never meet God in revival until we first meet Him in brokenness. by Nancy Leigh Demoss
Friday, September 3, 2010
"Brokenness" the Book
Happy friday!! This week I am so thankful for Friday. For some reason all week I have thought it was a different day. Last week I decided to pick up a book that I had gotten as a hand-me-down. It is called "Brokenness the Heart God Revives" by Nancy Leigh Demoss. I had expectations that this book would be good and hopefully bring life change. As I am reading this book I have been made aware of all the different things she is talking about like humility, repentance, and forgiveness. I hope in my heart that the final cord of pride is broken soon, broken so that I can be used fully by God, broken so that I can see him and others rightly in his image.
I am going to make no effort to make this post flow I am just going to share random things from this book and how God has been working. One image that Nancy talks about, is that we are all seeds. Seeds have a harder outer shell and when placed in the dark cold ground something amazing happens. The hard outer shell breaks off it dies, then fruit can grow. We must die to ourselves before fruit can grow, before we can be used fully.
At lifegroup this week we started a discussion on "the Church" the all encompasing church of christians, not just your local church. We read Ephesians 2:14-22, this is verse 16, "and in this one body to reconcile both(Jews and Gentiles) of them to God through the cross, by which he put to death their hostility. As we spent time in worship listening to God at the end I felt like God was pointing out how I am acting like the gentiles and the jews creating hostility between themselves because of their differences in actions and tradition. I have a really difficult time relating and loving someone because the first thing I see in people is our differences. I don't see God's heart for them, I don't see hope for thier life, I just see our differences. At this point I then begin to let our differences build a chasm between us that will only be broken if they can prove to me they are listening to the Holy Spirit and I see change in their life. Clearly I don't understand God's love for people which is something that came up when they were praying for me at lifegroup. I have been aware of the difficulty I feel in myself to love others without having an alterior motive to love them. I act like the know what is best. I act like a Jewish leader that is just about following tradition over a geniune loving heart.
Instead of staying imprisoned in the pridefulness and thinking I am better than others, I pray that God breaks me all the way and permanently.
This book lists out a list of things that are identifiers of pride:
- You focus on the failures of others and can readily point out their faults
- You look at everyone's faults with a microscope
- Criticize those in positions of authority-pastor-boss-husband-parents
-You think highly of yourself and look down on others
- You have an independent, self-sufficient spirit
- You have to prove that you are right and get the last word
- You have a demanding spirit
- You are self-protective of your time, rights, and reputation
- You desire to be served and life to revolve around you and your needs
- You desire to be known as a success
- You focus on what you can do for God
-You have a drive to be recognized and appreciated for your efforts.
- You get wounded when others are promoted and you are overlooked.
- You feel confident in how much you know
- You are self-conscious; They worry about what others think of them.
-You are driven to protect your image and reputation
-You can't bear to fail or for anyone to think you are less than perfect
- You compare yourself to others and feel worthy of respect.
This is just half of the list in the book. These are the one's that I generally relate to. As I am writing these out I can begin to feel sorrow well in my heart. I am thankful that I am feeling sorrow I am feeling remorse and desiring God's mercy. Many times I feel no emotion because my pride has removed the life God has for me.
I am going to make no effort to make this post flow I am just going to share random things from this book and how God has been working. One image that Nancy talks about, is that we are all seeds. Seeds have a harder outer shell and when placed in the dark cold ground something amazing happens. The hard outer shell breaks off it dies, then fruit can grow. We must die to ourselves before fruit can grow, before we can be used fully.
At lifegroup this week we started a discussion on "the Church" the all encompasing church of christians, not just your local church. We read Ephesians 2:14-22, this is verse 16, "and in this one body to reconcile both(Jews and Gentiles) of them to God through the cross, by which he put to death their hostility. As we spent time in worship listening to God at the end I felt like God was pointing out how I am acting like the gentiles and the jews creating hostility between themselves because of their differences in actions and tradition. I have a really difficult time relating and loving someone because the first thing I see in people is our differences. I don't see God's heart for them, I don't see hope for thier life, I just see our differences. At this point I then begin to let our differences build a chasm between us that will only be broken if they can prove to me they are listening to the Holy Spirit and I see change in their life. Clearly I don't understand God's love for people which is something that came up when they were praying for me at lifegroup. I have been aware of the difficulty I feel in myself to love others without having an alterior motive to love them. I act like the know what is best. I act like a Jewish leader that is just about following tradition over a geniune loving heart.
Instead of staying imprisoned in the pridefulness and thinking I am better than others, I pray that God breaks me all the way and permanently.
This book lists out a list of things that are identifiers of pride:
- You focus on the failures of others and can readily point out their faults
- You look at everyone's faults with a microscope
- Criticize those in positions of authority-pastor-boss-husband-parents
-You think highly of yourself and look down on others
- You have an independent, self-sufficient spirit
- You have to prove that you are right and get the last word
- You have a demanding spirit
- You are self-protective of your time, rights, and reputation
- You desire to be served and life to revolve around you and your needs
- You desire to be known as a success
- You focus on what you can do for God
-You have a drive to be recognized and appreciated for your efforts.
- You get wounded when others are promoted and you are overlooked.
- You feel confident in how much you know
- You are self-conscious; They worry about what others think of them.
-You are driven to protect your image and reputation
-You can't bear to fail or for anyone to think you are less than perfect
- You compare yourself to others and feel worthy of respect.
This is just half of the list in the book. These are the one's that I generally relate to. As I am writing these out I can begin to feel sorrow well in my heart. I am thankful that I am feeling sorrow I am feeling remorse and desiring God's mercy. Many times I feel no emotion because my pride has removed the life God has for me.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Analyzing-The Process
Last night I decided that I was going to begin blogging about my journey with over analyzing because I know many struggle with it. I want to blog about it and maybe provide insight for others as I go on this journey of understanding it and letting God renew my life. Many days I make God and every situation really complicated. I stress and worry about many feeling or situations that don't exist.
Anyway in the last week I could feel the thoughts taking control. When I say over analyzing I mean picking apart every situation, interaction with a person, the way they looked, the way someone talked, the way I interpreted them feeling towards me. Basically I waste alot of time and unneeded emotions going through each interaction with a person. I am putting my worth and my perception of life and what I think or feel about life based on how I interpret a situation even if it isn't truth or the things I am reading into are my imagination. I depend on my own interpretation of a situation instead of God's and taking things for what they really are. Basically I have thought and experienced situations like this my whole life which makes it interesting now that I am expected to be a mature adult and I still act like a child in my thinking and interactions.
This weekend and Monday I spent most of my time over-analyzing and worrying about what to do with things at church, my marriage, my experiences with old friends from high school, and basically how lacking in my ability to have friendships. There was alot of fighting, anxious feelings, and stress this weekend. I spend alot of time thinking about people's problems , how to solve their problems, or how they aren't where I wish they would be spiritually. Throughout my day I do alot of judging and alot of critical thinking.
Yesterday I had a great friend who was willing to sit, talk, and work through all my random thoughts and ramblings and help me connect the dots. Many times I have to talk out my ridiculous thoughts to learn how rediculous they are. My friend said she never thinks about people's problems or carry the weight of thinking about them. Whoa really....that is all I spend my time doing when I think about people....
So last night as my husband and I are having a heart to heart....working through all my emotions...I am starting to see hope. Gabe does an awesome job of helping me see truth in a situation because he doesn't read anything into a situation and his emotions and over analyzing don't paralyze him from thinking rightly. As I reflect on the last few days I am really starting to see that any form of analyzing really steals any love that is in my heart for God and others. I loose sight of loving people really quickly because I am so driven to achieve or measure if I am successful- which is the key problem. All this analyzing is to further myself, to make sure that I am being successful or people see me that way. I am starting to realize how much I don't understand what it means to love God and Love others first. That is my priority!!!
I love/act like I am loving people based on other reasons. Only to make sure they are a follower of Jesus or that they are growing in their walk with God. I become frustrated with people when I don't see that because there is no love in my heart for them. I think basically because I don't understand God's love and loving others is....it leads me to over analyze....when I am really genuinely loving others I have no reason to analyze myself or others, because love is my motive. My motive shouldn't be about furthering myself, my passions, the way I look to people, or if I am successful.
Does that make sense? If so, what things are you doing in your life for yourself? Where are you missing loving others in your life? How is analyzing controlling the way you see/love people?
Anyway in the last week I could feel the thoughts taking control. When I say over analyzing I mean picking apart every situation, interaction with a person, the way they looked, the way someone talked, the way I interpreted them feeling towards me. Basically I waste alot of time and unneeded emotions going through each interaction with a person. I am putting my worth and my perception of life and what I think or feel about life based on how I interpret a situation even if it isn't truth or the things I am reading into are my imagination. I depend on my own interpretation of a situation instead of God's and taking things for what they really are. Basically I have thought and experienced situations like this my whole life which makes it interesting now that I am expected to be a mature adult and I still act like a child in my thinking and interactions.
This weekend and Monday I spent most of my time over-analyzing and worrying about what to do with things at church, my marriage, my experiences with old friends from high school, and basically how lacking in my ability to have friendships. There was alot of fighting, anxious feelings, and stress this weekend. I spend alot of time thinking about people's problems , how to solve their problems, or how they aren't where I wish they would be spiritually. Throughout my day I do alot of judging and alot of critical thinking.
Yesterday I had a great friend who was willing to sit, talk, and work through all my random thoughts and ramblings and help me connect the dots. Many times I have to talk out my ridiculous thoughts to learn how rediculous they are. My friend said she never thinks about people's problems or carry the weight of thinking about them. Whoa really....that is all I spend my time doing when I think about people....
So last night as my husband and I are having a heart to heart....working through all my emotions...I am starting to see hope. Gabe does an awesome job of helping me see truth in a situation because he doesn't read anything into a situation and his emotions and over analyzing don't paralyze him from thinking rightly. As I reflect on the last few days I am really starting to see that any form of analyzing really steals any love that is in my heart for God and others. I loose sight of loving people really quickly because I am so driven to achieve or measure if I am successful- which is the key problem. All this analyzing is to further myself, to make sure that I am being successful or people see me that way. I am starting to realize how much I don't understand what it means to love God and Love others first. That is my priority!!!
I love/act like I am loving people based on other reasons. Only to make sure they are a follower of Jesus or that they are growing in their walk with God. I become frustrated with people when I don't see that because there is no love in my heart for them. I think basically because I don't understand God's love and loving others is....it leads me to over analyze....when I am really genuinely loving others I have no reason to analyze myself or others, because love is my motive. My motive shouldn't be about furthering myself, my passions, the way I look to people, or if I am successful.
Does that make sense? If so, what things are you doing in your life for yourself? Where are you missing loving others in your life? How is analyzing controlling the way you see/love people?
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